Why I am NOT my mother

Hand on the bible...... my mother was a lunatic when we were kids.

She would get this wild look on her face , her hair would stick out

She would say stuff like " I....HAVE....HAD.....ENOUGHHHHHH!"........and we just knew we were gonna die.

I was a good child !!
I was obedient, and respectful (cause I didnt wanna die) .... I got good grades, and ate my vegetables.

It has to be him......he must have been some wild monkey child, with a death wish, who never listened to his mother.

Its the ONLY explaination !!!

Today as I glanced out my window and saw the kids covered in the VERY mud I told them to stay away from.... the dreaded words slipped from my lips.....

"I.....HAVE.....HAD.....ENOUGHHHHH!"

Then I choked the box of spaghetti I was holding, to death, and called their daddy....

He made these little demons....he can deal with em while I have some wine.

They aint making me crazy.....please.

They should be called "Why's"

They said boys are different.
I hope their pants catch fire...Bunch of liars !

Different doesnt begin to cover these creatures that are boys.

We will start with their breath : who's butt were they licking in their sleep?!? OMGaaaaah

Their hair: Why wont it lay down? There is ALWAYS a wayward patch that refuses to behave. Especially on picture day.

Bodily functions: Why must it be everywhere? Pee on the toilet, poop paper in the floor two inches from the can, underwear.......dont get me started on the boys underwear. Why?!?

Clothes: *side eye* get grass stains on everything....One Mo Time..

Eating: Must they shovel it in their mouths like starving feral children, and be completely unaware of the honey comb cereal hanging from their chin? How does this happen? Is their face numb?

Drama: If anyone ever says anything about girls drama......they have never seen a boy throw a fit.
The frequency at which they can scream is glass shattering....
Let Mario die.....your ears will ring for an hour.

Body part obcession: Why are they touching their junk all the time?
Im not talking about the normal butt pick either.
I have never once, walked in on my girls pimp slapping their hoo-ha's......but the boy......you would have thought his penis owed him money.
"Boing ! Boing ! BOoooooING!!!" He says.
I just shut the door, they obviously had an issue to work out.

Lack of life preserving fear: Is it necessary to do stuff that can kill you......everyday?
In a month the boy has killed his 4 front teeth, broke his arm and gotten a concussion.
All from doing some dare devil trick off the highest point possible, at school or home. 
Does he not know that even if he doesnt die, I may?.....I am always 2 seconds away from stroking out. Seriously.

Inappropriate humor: Opening the freezer, shirtless, then rushing to another perso  hollering "my nickles shrank up!!!" is currently his favorite parlor trick.
He thinks its hilarious....and it was funny.....about 572 times ago.

Longest & most uneffective shower award goes to: My son !! Who somehow can manage to be in the shower 45 minutes and never get his hair washed.......probably cause hes too busy slappin his junk....

I may never figure this little man child out......ever.
Thank God he gives such good hugs and loves his mama most....Its the only thing that saves him most days.

Parental Questioning for Idiots.

If you ever see me out with my children, and are tempted to make a comment about how many of them there are, how we can afford it, or if we are aware of how they are  made.....*which is my favorite intrusive question by the way*........let me save us both some time.

Here is a quick troubleshooting guide:
-------------------------------------
YES they are ALL mine...... Even the one eating his boogers.

YES I am aware of how to prevent pregnancy and how babies are made *obviously we ROCK at making em*......I have not, however, found a cure for verbal diarrhea & brain disfunction.
Which you sadly suffer from.

NO we do not plan to have more.......but If we change our mind you will NOT be notified........because you dont matter.......sorry.

You may ask how we can afford it.... AFTER we recieve proof that you have paid at least 12 months of our mortgage.
Otherwise its none of your business.

Why so many????.......well...... someone had to do the dishes......child labor....duh!

Yes my husband is glad to have a son....you are quite clever for noticing that one of our kids is not like the others, BUT he is not more treasured than our girls .....he has a penis, not a gold nugget, between his legs.
So save your "bet you're glad you had at least one boy" comments.........
It offends my ovaries.

I am not a better woman than you, but my mother was obviously better than yours..... The fact that I have some tact & manners proves that.
You may wanna talk to your mama about your severe lack of those 2 character traits......They are kinda important.

While I am sure you think I should pull my uterus over my head & hide from the shame of going against social norms........I think that you should stretch a condom over your head to protect us both from your idiocy.
So I guess we are even.

Having a bunch of kids does not = government assistance.
Sooooooo I don't own a food stamp card........ but if I did, I would totally buy you a buggy full of food that's rich in vitamin shut the hell up.......cause you are an idiot.

-------------------------------------

My husband & I are responsible and self sufficient adults, who CHOSE to parent 5 children......so spare us the CIA style interrogation.

Its interrupting our bow chicka wow wow-ing and awesome baby making flow.

Thanks & have a nice day :)