Good Mom/Bad Mom

When something gets broken around here, someone else always does it.........always.
More often than not, I find  myself doing a shakedown on the kids, GoodMom/Bad Mom style .

Good Mom: alright Jay.....you got a problem. This headless Barbie was found naked on the Hotwheel Racing Track on the morning of the 28th.

Bad Mom: Where were YOU the evening of the 27th?!?!

Jay: *nervous.* Ummmmm, I-i-i. I dont know.....

Bad Mom: dont jerk us around Jay! We have a witness putting a black camaro speeding away from the crime scene......you do ,in fact, own a black camaro Hotwheels, do you not?? 

Jay: i didnt play with that mama......Bre played with tha black car. 

Good Mom: Jay I want to help you.....but you have to help me help you. Who is this "Bre" ......is she your hit man? Your get away driver??  

Jay: shes my sister.... 

Bad Mom: So its Family run operation !  

Jay: you said we couldnt play operation cause Bre taped the money to her boobies yesterday....member? 

Bad Mom: you wanna be a wiseguy huh?? Where is this "sister"?!?!?! 

Jay: * sweating*   shes outside.

***** locates suspect and brings her in***** 

Bad Mom: Your accomplice has fingered you for the murder of Summer Fun Barbie......we also have a witness that saw you driving away from the crime scene.
Your accomplice says he wasnt in the area, so that leaves you miss Bare.

Bad Mom: START SINGING or we are gonna put  ya in the pokey!!  *stomps out & slams door*

Good Mom: My partner wants to see you fry.....so why dont we just have a friendly conversation about what happened?

Bre: I didnt take her clothes off.....

Good Mom: noone said anything,about clothes... 

Bad Mom: * beating on the 2way glass*  "GUILTY!! YOU'RE ALL GUILTY!!!" 

Bre: *oh crap* ummmmm

Good Mom: why dont you just start from the beginning.Before Bad Mom busts a gut.......You dont wanna see that. It gets messy. 

Bre: * putting on her snitch hat*  You got a crayon??

Official signed Confession from Bre " the rat" Bare:      

"Jay did it mama......i was just drivin and stuffs. He was lookin at her boobies and i tried to get her.....but her heads popped off.
I tried to saves her !!! But her head wouldnt go back on. *head in hands* it just wouldnt go back ooooon !!!
Jay ran away, and i had her head in my hands.....i had to leaves her there.......PLEASE dont put me in the pokey !!! "

--------- and people say having split personalities makes you crazy. 

Made in China

My Middles are in kindergarten and learning to read.
They read everything......so I have had to take some unusual precautions.

Like cutting the tags off the blowdryers, cause Bre is afraid they will jump in the bath and kill her.
Or hiding my old romance novels (Jay is an advance reader) and I would shove my boob in a grinder before explaining what a quivering thigh is.
Never did I think to hide the Made in China labels........

Bre: O_o!!! You need ta throw these cups aways !

Me: Why?

Bre: They say Muh-ade in Chy-nah....

Me: ok??......

Bre: Thats nastys mama!

Me: * clueless*  Its not nasty....its a place.....

Bre: yeah !!!! *whispers* a private place!

----------No dear...You were made in "China", that cup was made at a factory in Hong Kong.

There arent words.........

In my decade of mothering I have become an expert on alot of truly discusting things.
For example.......I can tell you what your kid will be, when they grow up, based solely on the color of their boogers.

What I cannot figure out is, how the little people in this house can manage to utterly & completely clog my toilet with their mammoth sized "deposits"..........

I remember the doctor giving me pain meds, after birth that "slowed me down".
By the time I "caught up" I was in the bathroom sweating, gripping the walls, and calling on Jesus.

Yet my children will walk out of the bathroom as if nothing is amiss....... leaving me to walk in unaware and discover that something the size of a otter has drowned in my commode and its not going down without a fight.

Why???.......Where in their little bodies does it hide??....and How do they manage deliver it with out the assistance of a midwife and an epidural?

My children are freaks of nature.......and the horrors of what I have faced will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Just call me the destroyer of dreams.....

All the kids are in bed, so I didnt close the bathroom door.Wouldnt want their "mama is going to the bathroom!!!!" alarm to go off and wake them.

Me: bends over to retreive undergarmets.....sees a shape out the corner of my eye

Jay: stands frozen.....one fist still in his eye, like he was innocently rubbing the sleep away, but is now using it to protect that eye from the horrors that unfold before him.

Me: Oh my gah you scared me honey!

Jay: frozen.......fist still in eye....eyes begin to glaze over.

Me: Jay??? Honey ??

Jay: turns with fist still in eye.........exits the bathroom and heads directly to bed.

Me: ummm Goodnight ! I Love You !!!

--------------- oh my god....Oh My God !!!!!!!

Ive scarred him, Ive scarred my boy!!

Where are those men with the blinky memory easer things when you need em !?!?!?!? Crrrrrrrrap

He will never get this out of his head.....never
"I like big butts" WILL be a lie !!!

He will marry some pancake posteriored woman all because of me..........

Worst mom ever RIGHT HERE FOLKS.......I am the destroyer of big butt boyhood dreams.

No Pressure.....

Soooooo I'm reading up on all the mommy blogs.....you know, trying to get a feel for how mommy blogging is done.
Seriously.....I felt like the fat girl in an Ambercrombie & Finch store.
When I try this blogging suit on, my big ass is totally gonna hang out.

Wish Jars, Peeing on Cheerios, and homemade banana nut bread galore !
I can totally picture super mom walking to South America *cause driving is bad for the enviroment* with a kid tied to her back, and one to each leg.....just so she could climb the perfect banana tree, and harvest perfect bananas, for her perfect children's banana nut bread.
All this parenting perfection, paired with SUPER deep thoughts, and advice to those who may also be struggling thru this mine field of mothering.
*insert dramatic sigh AND a stiff drink*

I immediately went into turbo panic mode........what the what?!?!?!?!?!?
My brain doesnt work this way !!

At this point I'm pretty sure,  I'm going to start writing and the mommy gods are gonna send me  to mommy blogging hell.
But you better believe........

I'm taking these midgets with me.......so prepare yourself. LOL

Start a blog they said.......it will be easy they said...

All my life I've loved laughter.....and have been able to see the humor in almost everything.
This, and this alone, has gotten me thru mothering 5 kids. I still have many years ahead of me......we will see if it continues to serve me well.
My kids are like living with little  Bill Cosbys with no tans.......who are on a misson to put me in the nut house.

These are their stories.................well...Our Stories