Lazy = Safe

We just go see a firework display on the 4th usually.

They are easier, and I have already explained to all that I am NOT a super mom.
I dont do red, white & blue berry cakes, and bandana dresses.
We dont make multi-colored layered drinks, and serve em on a flag draped table
*because that's disrespectful*

We wash our butts and wear pajamas to a show, cause they will be asleep by the time we get home and I dont feel like changing their clothes.

Anyhoo,
I was having a bit a nostalgia this fourth of July.
Ya know....Bottle rockets, Chasers, Roman Candles and Smoke Bombs...
Memories of laughing & running thru the dark, with watermelon and sparklers were going thru my head.
Clouding my good sense.

Sooooo..... we changed plans, last minute, and got a few explosives for home.
THE KIDS WERE STOKED!

There are several factors we didnt take into account.
The first being we were we are idiots.
There are reasons we go see fireworks away from home !

1) Fire + 5 kids = Trouble
Am I the only parent that weaves a tale about how the blanket is the magic "safe zone"???
It will keep you safe, but if you come off it......I cant guarantee something wont blow your legs to bits?
Dont judge until you have 5 window lickers trying to chase the pretty flaming balls of death.
I had to stop one with a karate kick to the abdomen as they ran towards me while I was firing a Roman Candle !!!!!

Which leads to.....

2) Im too old to be bendy.
I decided to distract the kids with a side show, while Josh set up the big show.
My first attempt was a Roman Candle Extravaganza !!!!
I held the stick, fuse up...and lit it.

Then the following thoughts ran simultaneously thru my head:

Its been a decade since I shot one of these......the balls come out the fuse end right?
No......most shoot away from the fuse.
Shit that end is pointing AT me!!
* beeeend to the right*
It cant hit me like this..wait what if it hits the kids?!
*beeeeeeend to the left*
Oh God this was an awful idea.
.........its about to go off !!
OmG which end is it!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!
-----chuck it like a sissy and run----

FYI: it comes out the fuse end.

3) The testosterone aint no better than me.
By the time the Roman Candle Extravaganza fizzled in the neighbors grass......Josh was ready.

I watched with pride as my manly man lit those fuses.....dropped em in the tube.....and struck a "fire in the hole" pose, where he would squat with his ears covered.....and they would blast up into the sky with a huge colorful boom.
He was playing Army! It was precious.
*Boom Boom Boom !! *

The 4th round was ready to go and once again I admired his pyro skills.
He slammed that tube down, lit that fuse, and hunkered down like a real man.
Then........instead of "straight up in the sky with a boom".
He got "sparkler on crack"........

This thing rained hellfire and brimstone onto my husband in a fountain of green, red, and yellow!!

He was stationed in the kids play tower, so he was stuck...... running in circles and screaming, as he tried to survive the Armaggedon of firework displays.

I am writing this as my phantom self because I died laughing in the yard.

SUMMARY:
I'm achy, hes toasted, the kids are permanently warped........we are gonna wrap up in out safety zone blanket and just enjoy the show next year.