When you break the husband.

My poor husband works so hard, and has been down in his back, so I fix him up like a loving wife should.
I place four electrodes along his left flank and the bottom of his back, hook up the unit that will electrically zap his muscles, fed him well, & he passed out on the couch in a very uncomfortable but peaceful position.

He looked so peaceful laying there, and in my defense, I DID try to wake him like a sane person.
Gentle like, with calm tones, to no avail.
Then I saw the wires.......and the crazy kicked in.
I whispered "wake up, or zappity zap" & he smiled with the kind of sleepy trust, that I am clearly not worthy of.
I begin to silently giggle at the innocent prank that is playing out in my head, where we both end up laughing when its over.

I reach beside him and I gently turn the dial......he chuckled at the tickle, so I turned a teensie bit more.

And BAM!!!!!!!

He starts karate chopping wildly with his eyes still closed, and knocks my hand!
This causes me to spin the dial on the control box like its the big wheel, and I'm about to get a dollar.

----------------- BUUUUZZZZZ-------------------

I scream, and he starts to draw up on one side of his body.......... as the other side thrashes wildly.
He's half cussing, but can't really because his face is doing this weird thing that was eerily similar to something off Matrix.

My brain IMMEDIATELY goes into "Abort Mission Mode" & I desperately grab for the control box to cut it off.

----------Lord have mercy I've broke my husband !!------------

He sees the box in my hands...... and tries to crush it, Hulk style, as I yell for him to stop cause his spazzy right side is trying to rip my arm off.
Slobber is flying & rips the wires from the box, as he bucks like a pissed off Brahma bull.

-------I probably should just run away-----

He turns, and I am thinking this was probably not the best idea........
So I did what any self respecting woman would do......

I yelled "ya messed up my joke trying to karate chop me !"
It's always the guys fault.......right?

------- No shame in my game---------

I do love him tho!! Totally didnt mean to break him.

*sigh*

Bless my husbands sweet soul.....he tries to always be a help to me.
Helps with the kids, cooks on occassion , lets me take long baths, works like a dog, and I've never touched a mower ,in the almost 8 years we have been together.

But hes a man...........

We have a routine in the mornings, that starts very early.
My kids are not the get up and go types....

Jay must eat breakfast at home since he feels that the cafeteria is his new class clown stage.......tapping on the tables, in front of a bunch of half asleep teachers, isn't how we want to start our day.

Bre is NOT a morning person. You must physically drag her limp form from the bed, while yelling "wake up ! You're killing my back!"

Nae is 11, and as a pre-teen. She feels she owes it to her fellow pre-teens to follow the long honoured tradition of taking AS LONG AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE to complete simple tasks..... like, picking out a shirt.
Evidently this is rocket science, and you must take every detail into careful consideration OR the earth may stop spinning......shuttling us all into utter chaos.
Shes simply saving the world and has no idea why I an yelling for her to get her tail in gear.

I set out the Middles clothes, socks and shoes but somehow everything gets lost and must be relocated.......as slow as humanly possible.....because these items have went to visit the land of "I dont know".
-----"Well.....where did your shoes go ?!?!"--------- "I dont know"

They must open their snack box 57 times to make sure the banana I placed inside, hasn't some how escaped.
I guess bananas are the Houdini of the fruit family.......

Annnnnd

Occasionally they wait, til the bus is coming, to tell me about the homework they "forgot" yesterday.
You want to lay a "healing" hand on them, but their simply isn't time......you must channel your Matrix type skills and slow time itself so they can rush and get it done.

These things take time people!!

My helpful husband doesnt know any of these things........and decided today was the day to allow me to sleep in until 6:25. He wakes me right before he has to go into work.

SIX TWENTY FIVE ......A.M.!!!!!!!!

I slowly open my eyes to realize I have exactly 10 minutes to get all of the above done.
10 bleeping minutes !!!

My husband is a good man........He will be greatly missed.

Worry=Wine

There are tons if things I didnt anticipate having to worry about as a mother.....It simply never occured to me.
It starts from the moment you become pregnant, and I suspect it will remain until they split the little bit of nothing I leave behind.

Whats that cramp?

Does this food have crap in it that will make my child a wacko after its born?

OMG.....I just tripped and my baby probably bashed its head against my spine... .

Should it kick this much?

Is it kicking enough?

Is this labor? No?......Wait, was that labor?

OMG this isnt normal labor !!! IM DYING!......Oh God I'm dead....

Is the baby breathing...is the baby breathing.....is the baby breathing....is the baby breathing?

Dawg ! My babys poopin black ! Heyyyyyyy somebody ! My baby has rot gut ! Helllllp !

Babies should be cooking for themselves by now right? ......

Why arent they talking yet?

Why dont they ever shut up?

Get down !!! Why do you wanna die 15 times a day....not normal.....going to see a doctor.

Am I too hard on em?

They are punks ! I gotta buckle down before someone winds up in the slammer......

Vaccines.......no vaccines....

Stranger Danger !!

Dogs bite...GMOs....

Ebola....yellow fever...H1N1....

Terrorist ........ school shootings....

My family is crazy.....did I pass the crazy gene to them?

The List Is ENDLESS!!!!!!!!

The latest worry is: Will my children mesh well with my friends kids in school.

What if they hate each other?
What if their kid is an ass......and my kid has to ninja them?
Or
My kid is an ass and they ninja my kid?!?!
**They better not mark up my kids pretty face !**

What will I do?
What will they do?
I get winded pretty easy.....can I still ninja folks?
I need a stick......yes....a stick will work.
Wait, do I really wanna take a stick to my friend?.....maybe we should talk it out.
What if they act crazy cause its their kid and I have to hate them?
Can I hate em?.....what if they hate me?!?!
Is that even possible? Im pretty awesome......I dont know.
Is my husband bigger than theirs?......that could work in a pinch.

Waaaait........what if their boy wants to date my girl and breaks her heart.

Ugh......Its a miracle I dont have a drinking problem.

Wait......does wine count as drinking?

OmGaaaaaah......Im a drunk.

--------All This and I dont have a single teenager yet---------

Lazy = Safe

We just go see a firework display on the 4th usually.

They are easier, and I have already explained to all that I am NOT a super mom.
I dont do red, white & blue berry cakes, and bandana dresses.
We dont make multi-colored layered drinks, and serve em on a flag draped table
*because that's disrespectful*

We wash our butts and wear pajamas to a show, cause they will be asleep by the time we get home and I dont feel like changing their clothes.

Anyhoo,
I was having a bit a nostalgia this fourth of July.
Ya know....Bottle rockets, Chasers, Roman Candles and Smoke Bombs...
Memories of laughing & running thru the dark, with watermelon and sparklers were going thru my head.
Clouding my good sense.

Sooooo..... we changed plans, last minute, and got a few explosives for home.
THE KIDS WERE STOKED!

There are several factors we didnt take into account.
The first being we were we are idiots.
There are reasons we go see fireworks away from home !

1) Fire + 5 kids = Trouble
Am I the only parent that weaves a tale about how the blanket is the magic "safe zone"???
It will keep you safe, but if you come off it......I cant guarantee something wont blow your legs to bits?
Dont judge until you have 5 window lickers trying to chase the pretty flaming balls of death.
I had to stop one with a karate kick to the abdomen as they ran towards me while I was firing a Roman Candle !!!!!

Which leads to.....

2) Im too old to be bendy.
I decided to distract the kids with a side show, while Josh set up the big show.
My first attempt was a Roman Candle Extravaganza !!!!
I held the stick, fuse up...and lit it.

Then the following thoughts ran simultaneously thru my head:

Its been a decade since I shot one of these......the balls come out the fuse end right?
No......most shoot away from the fuse.
Shit that end is pointing AT me!!
* beeeend to the right*
It cant hit me like this..wait what if it hits the kids?!
*beeeeeeend to the left*
Oh God this was an awful idea.
.........its about to go off !!
OmG which end is it!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!
-----chuck it like a sissy and run----

FYI: it comes out the fuse end.

3) The testosterone aint no better than me.
By the time the Roman Candle Extravaganza fizzled in the neighbors grass......Josh was ready.

I watched with pride as my manly man lit those fuses.....dropped em in the tube.....and struck a "fire in the hole" pose, where he would squat with his ears covered.....and they would blast up into the sky with a huge colorful boom.
He was playing Army! It was precious.
*Boom Boom Boom !! *

The 4th round was ready to go and once again I admired his pyro skills.
He slammed that tube down, lit that fuse, and hunkered down like a real man.
Then........instead of "straight up in the sky with a boom".
He got "sparkler on crack"........

This thing rained hellfire and brimstone onto my husband in a fountain of green, red, and yellow!!

He was stationed in the kids play tower, so he was stuck...... running in circles and screaming, as he tried to survive the Armaggedon of firework displays.

I am writing this as my phantom self because I died laughing in the yard.

SUMMARY:
I'm achy, hes toasted, the kids are permanently warped........we are gonna wrap up in out safety zone blanket and just enjoy the show next year.

Why I am NOT my mother

Hand on the bible...... my mother was a lunatic when we were kids.

She would get this wild look on her face , her hair would stick out

She would say stuff like " I....HAVE....HAD.....ENOUGHHHHHH!"........and we just knew we were gonna die.

I was a good child !!
I was obedient, and respectful (cause I didnt wanna die) .... I got good grades, and ate my vegetables.

It has to be him......he must have been some wild monkey child, with a death wish, who never listened to his mother.

Its the ONLY explaination !!!

Today as I glanced out my window and saw the kids covered in the VERY mud I told them to stay away from.... the dreaded words slipped from my lips.....

"I.....HAVE.....HAD.....ENOUGHHHHH!"

Then I choked the box of spaghetti I was holding, to death, and called their daddy....

He made these little demons....he can deal with em while I have some wine.

They aint making me crazy.....please.

They should be called "Why's"

They said boys are different.
I hope their pants catch fire...Bunch of liars !

Different doesnt begin to cover these creatures that are boys.

We will start with their breath : who's butt were they licking in their sleep?!? OMGaaaaah

Their hair: Why wont it lay down? There is ALWAYS a wayward patch that refuses to behave. Especially on picture day.

Bodily functions: Why must it be everywhere? Pee on the toilet, poop paper in the floor two inches from the can, underwear.......dont get me started on the boys underwear. Why?!?

Clothes: *side eye* get grass stains on everything....One Mo Time..

Eating: Must they shovel it in their mouths like starving feral children, and be completely unaware of the honey comb cereal hanging from their chin? How does this happen? Is their face numb?

Drama: If anyone ever says anything about girls drama......they have never seen a boy throw a fit.
The frequency at which they can scream is glass shattering....
Let Mario die.....your ears will ring for an hour.

Body part obcession: Why are they touching their junk all the time?
Im not talking about the normal butt pick either.
I have never once, walked in on my girls pimp slapping their hoo-ha's......but the boy......you would have thought his penis owed him money.
"Boing ! Boing ! BOoooooING!!!" He says.
I just shut the door, they obviously had an issue to work out.

Lack of life preserving fear: Is it necessary to do stuff that can kill you......everyday?
In a month the boy has killed his 4 front teeth, broke his arm and gotten a concussion.
All from doing some dare devil trick off the highest point possible, at school or home. 
Does he not know that even if he doesnt die, I may?.....I am always 2 seconds away from stroking out. Seriously.

Inappropriate humor: Opening the freezer, shirtless, then rushing to another perso  hollering "my nickles shrank up!!!" is currently his favorite parlor trick.
He thinks its hilarious....and it was funny.....about 572 times ago.

Longest & most uneffective shower award goes to: My son !! Who somehow can manage to be in the shower 45 minutes and never get his hair washed.......probably cause hes too busy slappin his junk....

I may never figure this little man child out......ever.
Thank God he gives such good hugs and loves his mama most....Its the only thing that saves him most days.

Parental Questioning for Idiots.

If you ever see me out with my children, and are tempted to make a comment about how many of them there are, how we can afford it, or if we are aware of how they are  made.....*which is my favorite intrusive question by the way*........let me save us both some time.

Here is a quick troubleshooting guide:
-------------------------------------
YES they are ALL mine...... Even the one eating his boogers.

YES I am aware of how to prevent pregnancy and how babies are made *obviously we ROCK at making em*......I have not, however, found a cure for verbal diarrhea & brain disfunction.
Which you sadly suffer from.

NO we do not plan to have more.......but If we change our mind you will NOT be notified........because you dont matter.......sorry.

You may ask how we can afford it.... AFTER we recieve proof that you have paid at least 12 months of our mortgage.
Otherwise its none of your business.

Why so many????.......well...... someone had to do the dishes......child labor....duh!

Yes my husband is glad to have a son....you are quite clever for noticing that one of our kids is not like the others, BUT he is not more treasured than our girls .....he has a penis, not a gold nugget, between his legs.
So save your "bet you're glad you had at least one boy" comments.........
It offends my ovaries.

I am not a better woman than you, but my mother was obviously better than yours..... The fact that I have some tact & manners proves that.
You may wanna talk to your mama about your severe lack of those 2 character traits......They are kinda important.

While I am sure you think I should pull my uterus over my head & hide from the shame of going against social norms........I think that you should stretch a condom over your head to protect us both from your idiocy.
So I guess we are even.

Having a bunch of kids does not = government assistance.
Sooooooo I don't own a food stamp card........ but if I did, I would totally buy you a buggy full of food that's rich in vitamin shut the hell up.......cause you are an idiot.

-------------------------------------

My husband & I are responsible and self sufficient adults, who CHOSE to parent 5 children......so spare us the CIA style interrogation.

Its interrupting our bow chicka wow wow-ing and awesome baby making flow.

Thanks & have a nice day :)

Help Me Be Brave

Most days I feel like a flunkie......

I feed em hotdogs cause its easy.

Yell cause they make me crazy.

Tell em worms will grow in their butt if they keep chewin erasers.

Advise them to kick bullies in the throat.

Am useless when they are hurt *see previous blog entry*

And feel like they will hate each other forever cause they never stop fighting........

My middles bicker to no end!
They are 5 and everything is an argument:

Who washes their hair the fastest.

Who gets to sit in what chair at the table.

Who loves me more.

Who's turn it is to pick the movie.

THE LIST IS ENDLESS !!!

Today Jay had to see the bone doctor to get his permanent cast.
I decided Bre could go at the last minute , and the whole way there Jay said when he gets a shot he's holding her hand cause she "makes him brave"
I assured him he wouldn't need shots. I Promised even !!!

THEN we get there, and the doc tells us his bone is healing off center.....
The doc needs to numb Jay's arm and reset it.
* Lets add "Mama's a big ole liar" to todays failure list*

As the doc walks in.....I spot a 4 inch NEEDLE!!!!! and my soul bleeds for my little trooper.
This may be more than he can bear.

And I may pass out.....Im a flunkie so I cant guarantee anything......just sayin.

As they insert the needle he moans for his sister......

"Aubreeeeey help me be brave!"

My heart melts, as she bolts to his side to hold his hand.....and holds it tight...... to lend her bravery to the brother that she loves.
Even if she would never admit it.

I do ALOT of stuff wrong......BUT I'm doing the important stuff right.

A sibling is how a parent makes sure their children will never have to walk this world alone..........

Today my babies proved they didnt need me. They had each other, and thats enough.......

Me vs Emergency

I've seen just about everything......busted heads, spines sticking out of road burned backs, puss filled cysts, broken bones, gaping holes in the chest....
I usually approach these situations in a calm and collected manner.
 I am in control, and useful during these times.....I am the person you want there to help.

Unless the emergency involves my husband or children....
Useless doesn't begin to describe me in these situations.



Me  vs   Emergency
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emergency:
3 children fall face first from an out of control, speed demon porch swing....directly onto concrete....from about 5 feet.
Me:
I quickly assess the situation. I conclude that the child who's entire body flipped over their head, twisting their neck backwards, needs my attention first and act accordingly.

VS

Emergency:
My nephew is playing with the rod that opens the mini blinds. Nae, who is 3 at the time, begins to scream.
Me:
Wildly crash though the house to get to her, while visualizing that someone has ripped her arm from her body and is beating her with it.
As I enter the room I see that her arm is attached BUT this rod is sticking out of her eye.......HER FREAKING EYE!

Do I?
A) take control of the situation, and quickly stabilize the rod to prevent further damage
B) call 9-1-1
C) run away screaming for my mama, leaving my 3 year old, and her eye, to fend for themselves

The correct answer is: C
As soon as she turned towards me and I saw that rod, I did a complete 180 and RAN from the room screaming for my Mama.
I then proceeded to lock myself in my mothers room so I could pace & wail about how my poor baby was gonna have to wear a pirate patch..........
What occurred was a complete and utter loss of my senses.
Luckily my sister was there to help Nae with her rod in the eye dilemma.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emergency:
Car battery explodes in a guys face as he tries to jump start a car, spraying battery acid in his eyes.
Me:
Snatch the man by his collar, as he runs in circles in my yard, and drag him to the shower. Where his girlfriend & I flood his face and eyes with water to flush the acid.
Calm and Cool.......just jumped into action. Super Simple

VS

Emergency:
Bre (age 2) is running thru the house like a wild indian.
She trips at full speed and slams, head first, into the corner of the fridge & lays there without making a sound or moving.

Me:
Telling her to stop running, just seconds before...I am not surprised when I see her trip BUT I am petrified when I hear the cracking noise her head makes as it connected with the corner.

Do I?

A) run to her and see if she is ok
B) call 9-1-1
C) stand stock still, because if I make a noise...... shes gonna wake up, which is gonna lead to getting up... and her brains gonna fall clean out.

The correct answer is: C
Yep,got a baby down and I am playing emergency freeze tag.
I stood about 20 feet away and waited several seconds before I quietly said "Bre?? you ok?"......... from across the dadgum room!!
In my head, if I just stood real still  & quiet.....her brains would think no one was home, and would crawl back inside her head. Made total sense at the time.....for real.
It was a good thing that Nae was home and had the good sense to go pick her little sister up off the floor, as I yelled "dont move her brains!!" from my special emergency spot across the room. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emergency: 
A man I once knew......shoots himself in the chest right in front of me....... twice.
Me:
 As soon as the second shot rang out, I was busting thru the house to call 9-1-1 and demanding a chopper because the injury was just right of the heart and main aorta. I knew an ambulance wasnt an option. 
I then ran back outside to keep pressure on the wound until help arrived. 
Never hesitated.....Never panicked.....just did the common sense stuff. 
* he survived*

VS

Emergency:
I am approx 8 months pregnant with Ayla, and I come home from work to eat lunch.
Josh is pale, sweating, short of breath and nearly in tears from chest pains

Me:
This is what a heart attack looks like.....I know this.......
Dont freak out.....you always freak out.......you cant freak out this time.

Do I??

A) Immediately rush him to the emergency room
B) Call 9-1-1
C) Google "signs of a heart attack" while uselessly counting his pulse......... because Google knows everything & people don't die as long as you count their pulse.

The correct answer is: C

I have no logical explanation for this.......it is purely by the grace of God I eventually had enough sense to drive him to the hospital after confirming, THRU GOOGLE, that he was indeed showing signs of a heart attack. 
He should have run me over with a gurney as soon as the the magic "stop having a heart attack" pill kicked in. 



SUMMARY:
In the wake of a Zombie Apocalypse......... my family is screwed 
BUT 
If anyone else needs help............. I'm your gal. 

The sweet sweet slumber of a husband

Every morning I wake up and my feet hit the floor running.
Im drawn to the gurgling sound my coffee pot makes, as its done brewing........it sounds like pure heaven.
The children hear it too and they start circling my legs like cats wanting their breakfast.
I feed them to shut the constant "mama...mama...mama..."  up, and I start dish water for the clean up that is always necessary after a bunch of kids rush thru breaskfast to see who's "first".
I straighten beds and yell " brush your teeth" randomly as small heads pass by.
Breaking up a cat fight over a stuffed puppy, & difussing a meltdown cause someone got the orange crayon first..... is easy.
-----------BUT---------------
Getting my husband out of bed.........well they may find the Holy Grail before I find an easy way to do that.
His peaceful slumber, and ability to sleep thru the racket that is our family, makes me wanna drop a wet cat on his head.
It would be done out of love of course...........