The sweet sweet slumber of a husband

Every morning I wake up and my feet hit the floor running.
Im drawn to the gurgling sound my coffee pot makes, as its done brewing........it sounds like pure heaven.
The children hear it too and they start circling my legs like cats wanting their breakfast.
I feed them to shut the constant "mama...mama...mama..."  up, and I start dish water for the clean up that is always necessary after a bunch of kids rush thru breaskfast to see who's "first".
I straighten beds and yell " brush your teeth" randomly as small heads pass by.
Breaking up a cat fight over a stuffed puppy, & difussing a meltdown cause someone got the orange crayon first..... is easy.
-----------BUT---------------
Getting my husband out of bed.........well they may find the Holy Grail before I find an easy way to do that.
His peaceful slumber, and ability to sleep thru the racket that is our family, makes me wanna drop a wet cat on his head.
It would be done out of love of course...........

Being a SAHM...........The easy road & truck loads of chicken shit

After working since I was 15.......making the decision to leave the workforce and focus on being a mother at 30, was hard.
I had never been a stay at home mom long term, and quite frankly I didnt think there would be much to it....

I had been a full time worker, a full time mom, a full time wife........psssssht.......being a stay at home mom would be a breeze!

I was finally going to join the ranks of those lucky mothers that got to take it easy.......YES !

I had plans:

House would be clean
Children would all be in line behaviorly
Husband would be super happy with all the meals that were home cooked with love.
I would have playdates
We would take trips to the park and walk in the evening during our free time.
I would attend every school function and class party
I would do lunch with friends at least once a week
My children would be happier because mommy would be with them all the time.
I would plant flowers

BIRDS WOULD SING AND RAINBOWS WOULD APPEAR, THEN A UNICORN WOULD ARRIVE........ PULLING A CART OF CHOCOLATE AND SUNSHINE............



If anyone really loved me back then..... they would have ran me, clean over, with a truck FULL of chicken shit.

What kind of super dope was I smoking???     Take it easy........truck full of chicken shit I tell ya!!

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My house is semi clean......but If you move anything out, I will have to kill you and bury you in the dust you found back there.


My children DO behave, but that's cause mommy is a tad unstable from being home too much.
Misbehavior makes her eye twitch and she starts talkin all calm...........totally creepy.

I'm home when it cooks........that totally qualifies frozen pizza, as a meal that is home cooked with love right????
 

Playdates......well I suck at those because I have found that I dislike most peoples children.
They tend to be brats......especially when I don't care much for their mother. ***just the truth, dont hate***


Trips to the park.....we do em, but then I got lazy and just made a park in the back yard. Go swing or something......


Walks during our free time in the evening.......HAAAAAA *deep breath* HAAAAAA .....omg I cant breathe.....free time......HA !


I only have time for major school events because taking the two toddlers into a function, makes me wanna pull my ovaries out thru my eye sockets......sooooo, I make up for the rest with harassing the kids poor teachers via FB and text.
Its a miracle one of em hasn't pooped in a box, and mailed it to my house.


Lunch with friends......aint nobody got time for that mess !!!!!! I eat toddler leftovers..........that is my life.
 

My children love their mother.......I insist upon it!.......but they are sick of my face.
They don't say it, but I see it in their eyes, as they leave for the rare stay over with family..........that " Thank God!!" expression is undeniable.
 

I aint mad tho..........
The minute they are out of sight...... I start walkin around the house naked, singing old Negro spirituals & hollerin:

 "FREE AT LAST.....FREE AT LAST !! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY... I'M FREE AT LAST!!!"

 

Smiley face papers = anxiety

Who came up with the bright idea of putting kids crap on the fridge???

As I walk by and knock 17 smiley face papers off the fridge, for the 1,372nd time, with the slightest movement of air............
I have realized that they are not a symbol of parental pride & love..........their sole purpose is to clutter up my fridge and torture me.

Plain & simple

I bet it was the great grandmother of the creator of Pinterest........those heifers have been after me from the start.

Who knew knew illness breaks your give a crap??

As I lay here, at 1:44am, I realize I dont really like children that much.

*gasp!! Mommy's cant say that!!*

Shut up......I dont have to like em all the time.

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I have died 67 times in the last 3 days from strep throat.......you heard me right......Strep Freakin Throat.

The stuff my kids get and still wanna run outside & play........... had me begging for pain meds like a junkie and crying for my mama.

I even considered biting a small child, so someone would shoot me Old Yeller style & put me out of misery.

I'm almost certain I saw Jesus, at one point, and he told me that that the bible has a misprint........its not by His stripes we are healed........
Its from strep we are healed !!

Cause strep is from the devil, and its delivered by little children.

As I attempt the slowest recovery in mommy-dom......my sweet precious Ayla, who has the freaking FLU, began to cough alot in her sleep.

So like any good mother should, I put her in bed with me so she wouldnt wake her sister.

Evidently she has decided that the only acceptable cough suppressant, on the planet, is located in my lower back........and can only be activated with the knees of a toddler.

I cant feel my legs, and only occupy approximately 3% of the bed, but she's sleeping just fine.

So Yes......it is 1:44am and I definately dont like children.

I probably wont like them tomorrow either.......just sayin.

This is your brain........THIS is your brain with kids

Before I was a mother, I said I wouldnt do alot of things.
I had it all figured out......my plans were fail proof!

I wouldnt yell.....cause its stupid and accomplishes nothing

I would explain everything an reason with them.......they will just do it cause its reasonable....and cause I'm right.

Wiping snot off a kid with the hem of your shirt is just nasty.....not doin it

Kids aint eating junk....thats a given

Never gonna make scenes in public.....those moms are hood rats

Not gonna let myself go......noone will ever see me without makeup unless Im dead.

My kids wont play video games.....it makes em stupid.....

Moms that yell like they have no sense at sporting events are crazy.....that wont be me.

If I name my kids.....I will remember what it is and call the correct kid by the correct name.......easy peasy

All those moms with cars that smells like sour juice and skittles ....never gonna be me.

Then the kids came.....and I have no idea what happened.

You never know when you will catch me yelling " I have had ENOUGH!!"
And the most amazing thing happens........they shut up!....for minute

I attempt to reason with them.....but am convinced that " lets talk about this"  = " terminate all brain activity " to any children 6 and under. 

Not only will I allow them to eat junk on occassion, I will wipe their snot, with the hem of my shirt.....while they chew their junk.
Its just quicker.
--------*hangs head in shame*

I will go out in elastic banned clothing, with no makeup, in front of God and everybody......and will threaten to beat a midget down, with my house shoe, if they touch one more thing in the check out lane.
I Am the Hoodrat of all hoodrat mamas.
--------* forehead slap*

This is not widely known, to those who dont have children.......but  video games = quiet.
You will crave quiet like a heroine addict, so you will let them rot their brain, just so you can get your 30 min fix of quiet for the day.
--------*Hello, my name is Dana......Im a quiet addict . Its been 4 hours since I've hady last fix*

I have developed tourettes at all sporting events, that involve my children......I will sporatically yell out random things like noone is listening.

" Quit chewin that ball glove ! You're gonna get worms in your butt !!"

"There aint no crying in baseball!"

" Push my kid again and you'll need jesus!"

"RUN, RUN, RUN !!! YES BABY YESSSSSSSS !!!!!"
-------------*sigh*

The names.......ugh......why did I have to name em?
Why couldnt "hey you"  have been good enough? So I dont have to look like I kidnapped them and dont know their names??

" Aub....Nae....Ja....shit.....ummm.......whats your name?!? Ayla! Thats it!"

" *ahem* Ayla, did you spill your juice in the car again??....... Crap!!.......... Wheres your skittles?? "

Summary :

Children make you so brain damaged, you couldnt follow a map out of your own house.......much less plans you made before you had them.

Cause smacking kids is illegal

I love my children....... but everytime I clean their room I do some serious smack talkin..

I might be wrong, but I think they were mobsters in a past life..........and their only job was to hide the body.

I'll tell you why:
Their room will appear to be clean.
I will think, " I just need to make the bed and vacuum".......but I am wrong......everytime.

There's crap hid everywhere !! And I'm 99% sure they were the ones that hid Jimmy Hoffa's body.

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Paper stuffed in the cubby of the coloring table....."what the?!?!....I told them to put that in the trash"

Crayon paper scraps under the hotwheels rug......."bet these just jumped under there all by itself...."

Pajamas in the pet shop suitcase...." mutha mutha !"

Stiff toilet paper under the pillow......" nasty snot  monsters.....imma choke...."

Writing on the wall........" that says I like spankings"

Underwear under the gaming chair......" when they get home, I'm snatchin' first and asking questions later."

Banana peel behind the blinds........ "son of a..........*DEEEP BREATH* they gotta get their own place"

Dirty socks behind the magic 8 ball......." Jesus !! They gonna need Jesus !!"

I know 2 five yr olds that have some 'splainin' to do when they get off the bus......
They better start with "Mama you sure look pretty today" or something.

Men are from Mars & Kids are from Wacktown

Women have spent billions on trying to understand men.........men are easy!! Feed em & leave em alone.....

Kids......those are creatures I will never understand.

Bre: can I call my friend mama? She wrote her number for me.
Me: lemme see the # baby and we will see.
Bre: *produces a paper with the numbers 16732290184*
Me: baby thats not a phone #........have her mama write it down.
Bre: but its a number
Me: yes but not a phone number.......
Bre: then why did someone answer when I snucks your phone and called it?
------------ If another creeper starts stalkin me cause of her......Imma trade her for a hunting dog.

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Nae's " to do" list on her dry erase board:

Get stuff together
Pack snack for school
Straighten hair

*Right below this board is a litter box full of poo and empty food/water bowls*

Me: why dont you write " do chores, before my mama kills me." ?!?!
Lanae: cause I really needed to straighten my hair for school.
Me: but people wont see your hair, if you dont do your chores, cause I'm gonna throttle you.
Lanae: I have frizzy hair mama... *stares at me like I'm missing the point*

----------she obviously missed the threat to her LIFE !

De-frizzing her hair shouldnt make the "Top 3 things to do today" list.
Dont die would totally be my #1.......

Why must 11 yr olds not fear death?
If would make my job easier if she did.....just sayin.

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James: sometimes I dream of not havin a mama & daddy....
Me: why would you dream that?!?!
James: cause kids with no parents get to do what they want....and eat candy all the time....and have a dog.
Me: yeah til they croak of starvation & exposure to the elements.
James: * shrugs* i dont even know what starvations are.......
Me: I see.......and because you dont know what starvation is, you can survive it???? Totally makes sense.

.....you aint Martin Luther King.....quit dreamin.

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Ayla: AY-ya crys at Nanas aday....yeah, Ay-ya cry....*nodding head*
Me: why were u crying at Nanas?
Ayla: cause dat poop dot on my pinger.
-----------convo stops.......dont even wanna know why this happened OR who's poo was on your "pinger".

Got one callin creeperz,
One dreaming of being Orphan Annie,another with "Poo Pingers"  and women are acting like men are the weirdos.........