Wednesday, March 19, 2014

SUPER vs SARCASM

I was talking to another mom today about stain removal.
I told her about the time my kids spilled koolaid on the carpet, and how I managed to get the stain out after it had already set in.

I had no idea that what followed, would drop my IQ by 18 points..........just from hearing it.

***Blast those sneaky supermoms, and their unsolicited advice!!!***

SSM: What color was the kool-aid ?

Me: Red?

SSM:Oh dont ever do red kool-aid. Its sooooo unhealthy!
That red dye is FULL of chemicals, and can make em get adhd.

Me:
1)  I dont "do" koolaid.......you think i'm a tramp??

2)Red food dye should totally do a  grapefruit clense, and get all those chemicals out of its system...... Before it gets cancer or something.

3) I caught adhd from cupcake sprinkles once........totally messed up my plans for the weekend.
I didnt even finish saturday, before sunday started.


Had I known she was a supermom in disguise, I would have chucked kryptonite at her......... I so hope she was intelligent enough to be offended by my super sarcasm.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Why they are called "Great" grandparents.

You rarely hear the old saying: "Children should be seen and not heard" anymore.

It was common place in my great grandparents day but
it hurts peoples feelings, or something, and is highly frowned upon in todays society......but I'm telling you, there is good common sense behind it !

Lets weigh it out.........

Con's:
Slows communication skills -
Theres nothing sadder than an adult who still throws themselves in the floor, and kicks their feet.
Having say " now lets try using our words" , in your mommy voice, to a 26 year old man is just awkward.

Hinders emotional expression- Which might lead to the kid growing into a sociopath. Which is kinda scary BUT,
If you steer clear of naming them stuff like Jeffery, Charlie or Dexter, you may fare better in this area.

May lower self worth-
I will admit, this concerns me....... Adults with "Po' Lil Tink Tink" syndrome are annoying. I would rather have the above mentioned sociopath come to sunday dinner.

Pro's:
Its quiet -
Increases parental balance & peace. You will once again see people living into their 90's-100's because they didnt spend 18 yrs being talked to death.

Back talking is virtually eliminated-  Which protects children from being snatched clean out their shoes.

Nobodys tattling-
Builds problem solving skills and discourages snitching as an adult.......and the stitches that commonly follow.

Minimal complaining because something isnt fair-
This minimizes "real world PTSD" in adults. Basements around the world will be free from grown children occupation.

Ears work better when mouths aint flappin-
They may actually hear what you are saying. This may take their brain some time to adjust, but they should be fine.

Chances of parent getting beat up, or going to jail decreases-
LOOK MAMA!! "That big ladies back flaps are eating her shirt!!" will not slip from your childs lips, thus preventing that big lady from killing you in the parking lot of a gas station.

Since the Pro's outweigh the Con's, I vote for a throw back thursday on the whole "being seen & not heard" thing.

Just one day is all I'm askin........

Help a mama out homies.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Why I'm not a freakin fairy

Josh usually does the tooth fairy thing, but he left for work early one night and I had to fill in when Bre lost a tooth.

My mothers intuition failed to warn me that I'm to fat to be fairying about.......

_____________________________________

Me: creeeeeeeps in like a ninja & sticks hand under pillow

Bre: what chu doin??

Me: *screams* Doh My Gawd !

Bre: *jumps and starts crying*

Jay: mama? ....................mama???

Me: Its ok......hold on.....I'm sor-

Jay: mama why'd you holler?

Bre: you hollered at me and I didn't do nuthin!

Me: I'm sorry honey I was just checkin...

Jay: Mama ! Why's Bre crying?

Me: Hold on Jay ! I'll be there in a second!

Ayla: wwwwaaaaaaaaa !

Me: Oh My God

Lil: WAAAA

Me: you've got to be kiddin Me!

Bre: you were takin my money ?!?!

Me: *looks at hand with money in it*.......Aw Hell....

-------------------Never Again.......never ever again.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

My daughter is a Nazi

One of my youngest, Ayla, is the most opinionated and stubborn of my 5 children.
She is beautiful, highly intelligent, fearless, outspoken, absolute in her decisions, a teensie bit obsessive ............ and a royal pain in the rear.

Routine & shedule is rediculiously important to her.

When she wakes you must say good morning first......if you do not you will hear " no be wude ...good moaning mama, says good moaning!"

Then, you must pour her 1/2 a cup of "coppie", which is milk with a dash of pretend creamer......if not, she will follow you saying " Ay-Ya need coppie mama !!!!! COPPIE!!"
* and Lord help if you forget her sisters "cooppie", Ayla may kill you in your sleep*

Breakfast is next. She must have the blue bowl and sit in the Snow White chair at the table, seriously dont put her in the Cinderella chair.........the world, as you know it, will end.

If she becomes overly loud at any point, do not accuse her of shouting and ask her to stop......she will look at you like you're an idiot, and inform you that she isnt shouting.... "Ay-Ya is whining".......get it right, or go get on the short bus.

She will decide the house is too dirty for her liking at some point.
She will get her vacuum and clamor about the house with it.
Slamming it into walls, and displacing all your chairs so she can get underneath em.
Stopping her is fruitless.....the only way a house can be properly clean, is if its ransacked and purified in noise first.
You will then be responsible for the real cleaning.

You will know it is time to eat because she will stand in front of you and repeat " Ay-Ya hunnry"  7,312 times before you are done making it........I recommend shoving a sock in her mouth, but thats frowned upon in most states.

Nap time is usually easy.....IF you follow proper procedure.
She will need a cup, bink, indian flute music and diego (muted) playing on the TV.
Do NOT try to cover her yourself......." do its by my selp" is her favorite saying, and you would do well to heed it.

After her nap there is the usual, lunch, playtime, and movies.......she will not watch the movies.
Dora is only there to drive you insane with her singing backpack & map.
You cannot cut it off.......baby angels will die, and the world will erupt in chaos.
Just keep it on, and keep your head down.

The evening meal will occur much like the other meals of the day, but do not allow the other children to sit anywhere but their appointed seats.
Ayla cannot focus on her meal when you do this.....she  will continually remind you that Nae is in Aubreys seat until your eyes bulge from their sockets from the increase in blood pressure.

After dinner you must allow her to put her own dishes away and wash the table.
To forget this, is an insult of her intelligence and the " Ay-Ya is a big dirl's" will start and never stop.
I repeat, Never-ever-stop.......

Before bed, she will shower, on her own...... Without assistance.
Do not assume she cannot rinse her own hair.
Even when the bubbles are thick and shes hollerin " alls done!!"........just put on your poncho and grab her quickly.
She will drown you as you rinse her head, but thats your own fault for thinking she didnt do a good enough job on her own.

Bedtime is exactly like nap time.......cup, bink, indian flute music and Deigo. Let her cover herself and walk away quickly without making eye contact.

Then pour yourself equal parts coke & crown and have a seat.

You have just survived a single day with one of my youngest offspring.

I am leaving this list of things, you must do, in the event she is left in your care.

You know.......in case I decide to jump off a bridge when she drives me over the deep end.

Monday, March 10, 2014

He's definately from Mars.....Lord knows he dont breathe

My mama said my chatter boxing as a child, would come back to haunt me one day....
Who would have thought it would be my boy that out yapped every girl in the pack???

Went to get tball equipment yesterday at Kmart....
_________________________________________________________

Mama why's it called Kmart?

They should call it Jmart, then it would be my store.

Stores start with S .

S is before T but after R.

After I get done with tball I wanna go to dance class.

They let you jump in dance class mama.

Jummpin is fun!

Know what else is fun mama?

Eating ice cream.........

I like Ice cream.

You like ice cream dontcha mama?

But ya cant eat too much, it will make ya fat.

Bein fat aint healthy is it mama?

You need to lose weight, so you can be healthy.

You know it mama?

Oh excuse me.....I pooted.

I have been pootin all day, and cant make it stop!

How do you make yourself stop pootin mama?

Is pootin unhealthy?

I dont think it is, cause you feel better when you poot.

If you feel better after pootin then its healthy aint it?

You know what rhymes with better mama? Wetter

Wetter means that you are very wet.

If you are in the shower are you wet, or wetter?

Cause I am very wet when I get in the shower.

Why do they say you are just wet, when really you are wetter?

Mama why are you pullin at yout ears like that?

I dont think you're posed to pull em that hard.....

Hey mama do you hear me???

-------sure dont son, cause I just ripped my ears clean off my head.

Those ladies at the service desk were idiots for not letting me swap em for a pair of those headphones people wear on helicopters.

I had proof I needed em and everything !

Friday, March 7, 2014

A test I am proud to fail

The experts, (a.k.a the parental control asassins) will say that as a good parent............you must  follow a certain protocol, when raising children.
So you dont mar their sensitive little souls.

You must never raise your voice and/or shame them for their actions. This breaks their spirit.
Instead try to get to the base of their decision and be understanding.

You must begin to allow them a voice/choice in the decision of their life, from an early age.
This promotes independence and self esteem.

Award participation beause they gave it a shot, and that in it self deserves reward.

Dont tell them no.....instead offer alternate courses of action, to build decision making skills.

Your childs happiness should always come first....avoid the things that may cause them to cry, be sad, experience disappointment, or feel rejected.
If rainbows dont shoot out your butt, then you are obviously a bully.

The list goes on and on and on.....

These are the answers to the test, that only the Best parents pass.

--------- Calling All Bare Children -----------

This is OUR house. Anything within its walls belongs to us, and falls under our jurisdiction.
We bought it so it belongs to us, & we allow you the use of it because we are generous, BUT if you do not care for, or appreciate it......we will revoke our generosity. Indefinately.

If the occassion calls for it, we will raise our voice and tell you that your actions are shameful.
You will not ever be made to think that there is an occassion where bad actions are ok. Ever.

We will not consult you on things we feel dont concern you, instead we will inform you of what we have decided and how you are expected to help.

When you are a significantly contributing member of the family, we will teach you how to assist us in these decisions, so you can learn make them when you are grown. 
Until that day, we will function in a "I say-->You do" format.

Participation is expected, but may not always be rewarded. This is how life works my little grasshoppa'.
You will not get a dollar for cleaning your room.....you will do it because I have raised you not to live in filth and because I said so.

You will get praise when you do well, because it builds character......rewards will be saved for the exceptional things you do, because that will build a desire to excel.

There ARE going to be alot of times I tell you no, not because I dont love you, but because thats my job.
There are TONS of things that you shouldnt do, or arent ready for yet.......
The definition of NO is that discussions are over, you simply will not do it without facing a consequence.

Although your happiness is important to me.......it is NOT a priority.
You will experience sadness, disappointment, rejection, and unhappiness on occassion.
My love for you will try to soften these blows, but my responsibility for you will allow you to experience them because you must be prepared for life.

You are not just children, you will one day contribute positively to society.
We are not just parents.........we are the builders of your foundation.

You will be Responsible, Respectful, Powerful, &Wise.
You will carry in you the ability to be Just, Humble, Self Reliant and Successful.

We will be be firm in our raising of you, because these things are our greatest desires for you.............Because It is our job, and our greatest priviledge

I may fail their test.......but I will NOT fail you.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Why you never wake a sleeping Bare

My husband is a VERY heavy sleeper, and needs at least 20 mins to wake up .
***which severly grates on my 'jump out of bed and hit the road running' nerves***

Sometime I need to have a serious conversation immediately after waking him. *who has 20 mins?!*

Most of the time its ok. He wakes up, answers, and goes back to sleep.

BUT

There are occassions where he will fool you......He will appear to be awake and lucid, but is really asleep with his eyes open.
He will carry on about the most rediculious stuff, while grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

He's a sleep talker........
_____________________________________

He had some test ran a week ago and the Dr's office called with the results this morning, so I woke my sleeping husband.

He sat on the edge of the bed with the phone, and said "Hello? This is Josh".
This led me to believe he was awake.... so I continued on to the restroom.

As I'm sitting there I hear:
" Results? Yes.yes..MmmmHmmm".
..... nothing out of the ordinary, so I relax.

THEN I hear......
"Results are prayers....MmmmHmmm....yes Im praying".

WHAT? Oh-My-God..... hes still sleeping!!

I sprint thru the bathroom.
I have to get the phone before he starts talkin crazy !
My pants try to kill me, by wrapping around my ankles & I fall....

He continues.
" Yes, MmmHmm... testicles, got em right here...Iiiiii's gots em..yep"

--------Sweet BabyJesus!!! Shut up,Shut UP !!!

I finally get to him, and hes just sittin there...... cheesin while he chirps. *forehead slap*

I snatch the phone, apologize profusely and try to explain that he's not a creeper.....he's just sleep talking.
*sigh*
He totally sounded like a creeper.....
_____________________________________

He has a follow up visit in 2 weeks....

I dont care if the office is made out of chocolate cake & skittles....my fat butt is staying home.

I could see me now.....
" Im here with Josh and his testicles......yep he still has them......"

Not goin !!!

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Answers that make the "whys" go away

Mama whos that?

I dont know honey

Then why did they wave at you?

I dont know dearrrrrrrrrrr

But they have to know you.....they waved !

Sigh.......They dont know me, they just have a palsy of the arm.....they werent waving, they were having a spasm.

_________________________________________________________

Why does daddys butt have hair on it when he bends over?

Cause he didnt mind his mama when he was little.
Everytime he misbehaved a hair grew on his butt

_________________________________________________________

Hey mama.....

Yep

Whatchu drinkin

Magic Mommy Nerve Relaxer
_________________________________________________________

Mama why cant I take my shirt off outside like daddy

Cause the sun will burn away all your boobie making magic. Thats why daddies dont have boobs.

_________________________________________________________

Why do I have to brush my teeth?

Cause a baby tooth fairy will die if you dont.

_________________________________________________________
Mama....

Yes ma'am :)

Why does grannie have no teeth?

Cause she didnt brush em, and all her tooth faries died

_________________________________________________________

Mama?

Yeah baby

Why does that dog have a hot dog on its belly

Cause its happy

What does it do?

It pokes folks in the eye, when they ask too many questions.

--------Accuracy is irrelevant when you are one "why" away from drowning yourself in the dish water.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Ignorance is bliss

I remember playing house as a kid....I would make my little house out of couch cushions, and get my sweet little powder smelling baby out, thinking " I cant wait to be a real mama.....this is so fun!"
I was rediculiously happy with my pretty little baby that closed its eyes everytime I laid it down, and my cushion house was always tidy.
My baby was well behaved and I never ever wanted to slam my head in a closet door repeatedly.

I had no idea that I was being duped !!

Little girls should be allowed the sweet, quiet, powder smelling baby for a 6 month period..........then it needs to get real up in little girl-ville.

They would then be given the real baby dolls:
These will snot, poop stuff that smells like gut rot, cry like a dying hyena for hours, & vomit soured milk on you.
Some girls will randomly be given ugly babies. Not all babies can be cute !!
Sometimes you get a baby that looks like Tommy Pickles with a lumpy head......its a lesson best learned early.

After 6 months they get a toddler doll:
It will scream like a banchee when you wash its hair,  follows you everywhere rubbing playdough on your couch cushion walls, and repeat the word "No" because it is the mantra that brings toddlers inner peace.
The girls would be judged by all other dolly mommies for letting their toddler doll watch too much TV and eat food that comes in a bag.
Because everyone knows you cant properly mother a dolly without tons of useless & unsolicited advice from every other kid with a toddler doll.....duh

6 months later they get the big kid doll:
It will suffer from "opposite syndrome" that effects everything from the food you feed em, to what time they go to bed.
They will have an uncontrollable desire to want the opposite of what you offered, because you are mean........and they dont like it.......and its not fair.
Even after a hundred "butt whiping 101" classes, the girls will find themselves asking their big kid doll: "Did u wipe your butt good?",  because the big kid doll will dig in their butt everytime you take them out in public.
TV commercials will activate the " I need" section of the big kid dolls brain, and the girl will slowly feel her soul draining out thru her wallet.

6 months later the tween doll will arrive:
It will idolize no talent drains on society like Justin Beiber and will want you to mortgage the house to buy concert tickets........and you will!
When u arrive at said concert, your tween doll will be a screaming ball of mass hysteria and you will actually pay $27 for a Justin Beiber glow stick........so you can stab yourself with it.
They develop an eye condition that makes their eyeballs spasm & roll everytime they hear your voice.
They will designer duct tape everything, and you better act like you are interested in every single duct tape purse/wallet/bow they make.
If they find out you just wanna take it apart, and tape their mouth shut,  you may never be able to stop the " you just dont get it" monologues .
They will speak in text form......."OMG", "gr-8", and "LOL" will be actual words that they use in coversation with other tween dolls.

In hindsight, its probably best that these dolls dont grace the shelves of every toy store.
We would have an entire generation of girls who wear their pajamas out in public and drink entirely too much kool-aid before bed.

Ignorance truly IS bliss.