Friday, February 28, 2014

My Treasures......My Daughters

Grass is common. You dont have to look hard to find it.....
Its stepped on, cut down, and despite its abundance......its barely noticed as people walk by.
Sometimes its uncared for and becomes wild.
Choked out by the weedy world around it.
Grass is fragile.....dependent on the balance of nature to keep it alive
It is easily replaced and regrown, without alot of time and effort.
It will bend to the will of any man, and the process needed to make it beautiful doesnt take great skill.

To possess grass......u simply throw out some seed and sit while it grows

GRASS IS NOT SPECIAL

_____________________________________

Diamonds are rare.
You cannot simply walk down the street & gather enough to fill your hand.
People admire their uniqueness and beauty.
They cannot be ignored.
They are strong & are not easily destroyed.
They do not bend to the will of man....instead they are used to drill into places others cannot go.

To make a diamond shine someone must have great skill.
They must know where it needs to be cut, and where it needs to be polished.
Its a painstaking process that takes a great amout of time & care.

To possess a diamond:
You must dig for it..........commit yourself to finding where its hidden.
You must be persistent in your excavation.......not easily detered by disappointment.
You must see its potential, even in its roughned state, & be willing to work to bring out the perfection it holds inside.

DIAMONDS ARE SPECIAL
_____________________________________

My most precious daughter,

Be the diamond.  You are unique and special. You are not common like the grass........you have a shine inside like no other.
Be strong, Do not bend to the will of man.
Drill your own path thru life without fear of breaking.

When choosing a mate....choose wisely.
Taking note of how one goes about finding their other half is important.

Do not be impressed by the one who will throw out some seeds and settle for what grows or by those who will watch you wither and die, as the seasons change.
Those who seek to only tend the grass cannot understand the dedication it takes to find and develop something as precious as you.

Seek one who patiently digs to find his mate. Who is willing to break thru all that is common, to find the extraordinary.

This mate is desirable because he is smart enough to knows his reward will be great and his work is not in vain.
He will be the one you can polish yourself against thru life.
He will make you better with his love & devotion.
He will appreciate you because he worked to get you, and has watched your beauty grow as you go thru life with him.

Be the diamond who is cherished and loved.
You are worthy of that status in this life because you are the daughter of the one true King.

The grass has its purpose, but you are meant for more than that.
You are meant to be treasured among the common things of this world.

You are the diamond, not the grass.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Couldn't make this up if I tried.......

The littles snuck my phone and while being evil geniuses, they managed to call an old number in my contact list.

When I found em, and heard the other person loudly asking " who is this!!!!!", I did what any decent human being would do..........I hung up and ignored the first 30 attempts they made at calling me back.

After the 47th time of them calling........I was aggitated.
*How dare they call back after someone called, didnt say anything, then hung up!!!........douches*

So I answered & immediately snitched the babies out.......

HERES WHERE IT GOT CREEPTASTIC.........

The man confessed to cursing the babies on the phone.
He actually said the words " I have a confession" = serial killer
Then he asked if I had a minute to chat = stalker
Then said I had a sexy voice = sexual predator
Then told me I could call him anytime I needed to "talk" = Dr. Phil wanna be

----at this point I was Really wishing I had deleted the contact, when the number changed----

Later that evening I thought " I totally need to delete that crazy Dr. Phil stalker guy" ..........but CALLED HIM instead of deleting the number!!!

*forehead slap*
*forehead slap*
*forehead slap*

I beat the phone to death trying to hang up before the call registered on his caller id------FAIL......ugh.

So sexual predator Phil calls me back. 
I quickly text to explain.........

Me: so sorry...trying to get your # out my contacts and accidently called. Again, so sorry.

Sexual Predator Phil: NP.....you wanna talk?

Me: no....just wanna delete your number

Sexual Predator Phil: thats cool...I bet ur hot <-----cant make this shit up folks!!

Me: is your name Buffalo Bill?

Sexual Predator Phil: no its Chad.....whats your name?

Me: Clarice Starling

Sexual Predator Phil: Clarice.....thats sexy

Me: .......Look.....I hate lotion, I have bad skin that would totally suck as a human suit, and youre starting to creep me out.

Sexual Predator Phil:  can u send me a pic?

Me: sure hold on......

Sunday, February 23, 2014

I'm a genius !

Its anti-bully week at school.
The kiddos have to wear colors, each day, that have some type of anti-bullying sentiment behind it.
I agree bullying in school is a huge issue, and I am happy it is being addressed..........however, In true un-super mom fashion.......I teach my kids to punch bullies in the throat.
It just more time effective......
Anyhoo, I was scouring their closets for the needed colors and realize we are poor in the rainbow dept........THEN I had a genius idea !
I WOULD MAKE ANTI-BULLYING T-SHIRTS !!!!
Pinterest moms would be so proud........*tear*
Here are some of my ideas:
_________________________________________________________
Punch a bully in the eye........they'll be sure to run & cry.
Headlock headlock.....take em down. No more bullies in this town
Your mom raised a bully........My mom raised a NINJA!  Waaaacha!
Hey Mr. Bully ! Tell you dad he should have pull-ied !!
Bullies n: alternate term for dingleberries on male cows
Bully the meanie boy *toot toot*
Shoved people & took their toys *toot toot*
You may be a big 'un.....but my Mamas bigger........
So run little meanie boy * toot toot*
_________________________________________________________
So..........what do you think? It totally says " anti-bullies" right?!?! So flippin excited.......

Saturday, February 22, 2014

When I grow up.....

I've been around my fair share of the elderly. Spent the first decade of my emploment, caring for them in one way or another.
They are absolutely my most favorite kind of people.

I used to spend hours talking to my patients, watching them and thinking about what kind of older person I would be.
It was then that I noticed there are 5 specific kinds of old ladies.

Graham Cracker Granny: Made with angel kisses and pure sugar, these ladies are the ideal grandmothers.
They own alot of doilies, and their vaccuum may have a cover that looks like a cow.
She will have rose shaped soap on the sink, that you arent allowed to touch. Instead you will wash your hands with soap that smells like the blood of a million leprechauns.
She will feel like a feather pillow when you hug her and she lives & breathes to make cookies for the spawn of her offspring. Lots & Lots of cookies.....

The Gray Hair Gazette: "You know I dont like to gossip, buuuuuut....." is ingrained in her DNA.
She has a talent for throwing out the warm & fuzzies to get ya talkin ........then everyone within in a 10 mile radius will know about your hemmrroids.
You cant be mad at her telling your business either!!
That would be a sin. *its in the bible somewhere*
According to rumor, she has a direct line to God (thru the 45 pastors in the family) and you dont wanna mess with that.

Geriatric Garage Sale Queen: only has a pulse in the spring & summer months......where she will emerge from her den to buy truckloads of old dishes & oil lamps for a quarter.
She does not have an empty corner, or closet, in her house.
If the world ,as we know it, ever ends.........you will be able to rebuild a small city with whats in her attic.

Free Spirit Fanny : has lived a million lives and knows about it all.
She has either done it, read about it, or has a second cousin thats doing it now.
Nothing shakes her.......she is at total peace, no matter the chaos that surrounds her.
She drinks quote filled coffee and has alot of windchimes BUT dont let her wise and collected demeanor fool ya....
Shes has a tattoo on her backside that says "Property of Elvis" and  more "man miles" than a 54 chevy.

The fifth was always my favorite, probably because it will be me one day..........

Spit Fire & Support Hose : is usually 'with it' mentally but has her crazy moments. Noone can figure out if its medical or if shes just a pain in the ass.
She hangs out with her roomie Ethel alot......because its fun to get ole Ethel going by telling her the staff are peeing in her orange juice. *Ethel is a little paranoid*
She is a wise old bird, that cant help but to tell the truth.
Even if it comes out like " you wore those shoes that make you look fat again"
She wont take any flak .........and may get an extra dose of Adivan at the home for snatchin folks up when they touch her jello.
When the moon is full, you may find her walkin down the hall naked cause the back of her knees are hot....or so she says.
It is very likely shes doing this because shes bored, and its entertaining to see the nurses try and figure out exactly where to grab a naked old lady.
Its not like you can grab her by the elbow.......her boobs reach down that far........

"They're grabbin my boobs again Ethel......Hide yers while you can !!"

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Why I didnt join the Army

I have just enough self discipline not to kill people, but thats about it.
This character flaw leads to alot procrastination, especially when it comes to replacing stuff.
I would rather have my ovaries jerked out, thru my nose, than go to the store with 5 kids.

So I do weird stuff like: put water, in a bottle of dish liquid and shake myself into a seizure trying to get that laaaaaast little bit out to avoid a trip to the store to replace it. Which is insane.......

To stop the insanity, I have started to throw stuff away as soon as it needs replacing.
Was super proud of myself for tossing those ratted shoe laces, a couple weeks ago......til I put off replacing them.....and had to wear laceless shoes.

BUT I learned my lesson !!!!!! Swore right then & there, I would replace stuff in a timely fashion. No more lookin like a gangsta for me !!!

My can opener has been on the blink forever.
Its not really broken.......it just requires a specific combination of things in order to work.
1) You clamp down on the can,
2)  Lift can approx 3/4in off the counter,
3) Then turn the handle clockwise,
4) While holding your head at a 45` angle, and
5) Cry as your wrist tendons snap from the strain.

Trashed that bad boy 2 days ago ! Yeah baby !!!

Made spaghetti tonight. Boiled my noodles and made my bread. Went to add the sauce..........OMGaaaaaaaah...
I threw away the can opener 2 days ago. * hangs head*

Of course the midgets picked up on my panic imediately.
Household hunger levels spontaneously rose from Code Yellow, to Code Red Starvation Mode.
They all start screeching like cats.
Theres a storm coming
Im trying to find the gun so I can shoot my way into this can of pasta sauce. Failed
I grab a knife and the screeching cats scatter......this can will open or we will both die trying.
I flip it over to stab it........and there's a pull tab !!!

There IS a God !!!!!!!!!!!  Scouts honor I will never do that again.....I will replace things in a timely manner......no more breaking into cans like a hobo....

^^^^Does anyone else see a pattern forming here? ^^^^

I may need an intervention.....I almost murdered a can in front of my children.
I'm a tad bit shaken, so I will settle for a glass of wine.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Aint getting any trophies today

Ive been a bit off my game today.

Had to go to court & decided to try a new perfume that was given to me by a friend. Being the trusting person I am......I sprayed first and put a curse on my friend later.
I think it was called "Gray Hair and Kerosene"......cause I smelled like a gas sniffin Golden Girl.

I prayed it would tone down during the 30 minute drive to court and I thought it did ! Til I sat down and noticed folks were lookin at me like I had been smoking refer in the parking lot & was trying to cover it by grabbing the first senior I saw, and rubbing them all over myself.

It got better tho.....

Didnt notice my bra strap was showing the entire time I was in front of the judge, giving an update on our bonus babies.

Fly was down

Hubbys "bow chicka wow wow" ringtone went off, cause I didnt follow directions to silence all phones.

Sounded like I had a speech delay trying to pronounce rural

THEN I get home.......

Said shit on accident in front of the little parrots.

Stuck my finger in poop checking a diaper ^^^^ hence the verbal slippage

Accidently hit the shower thingy when the littles were in the bath....which turned them both into chicken little as the sky was falling.

Sat on the cat and got bit in the part of my butt that has slid into my thigh with age

And ran a load of laundry with no detergent..........but I totally fixed that one by forgetting to add detergent AGAIN when I rewashed em.

Then handed one of the middles regular shampoo instead of tear free......so they are now blind .....which somehow also made their legs not work.

If you must know........ALL of this is the husbands fault.
When I figure out why, I'm gonna be really mad at him.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Toddlers should come with a script for Xanax

I spend all my time in constant worry for my children.

That Lanae will succeed, because I see her working so hard.
That Bre wont get me thrown in jail with her little tales that sound so much worse than they are.
That Jay doesnt come into contact with something solid, like a wall, since he insists on running about the house like a loon.
But the majority of my worries originate with my toddlers.
My pretty little doe eyed girls make me wanna hug a xanax block and just lick it......lick it til my eyes roll back in my head.

This is how my brain works:

No one should have this much snot.....I bet her sinuses are deformed.......Or shes allergic to the world......

That toenail looks funny......Its a fungus....I just know it. We should dip her in bleach to keep it from spreading.

She is the falling-est kid !! Shes either drunk or needs a helmet. Honey !! Smell her breath and tell me if it smells like germex.

She keeps dropping that ball......wonder if her hand eye coordination is screwed up? Maybe she cant feel her arms......she fell yesterday and now she cant feel her arms!!!  My poor numb arm baby !!

Her teeth are coming in funny...........its making my wallet hurt already. All her school pics are gonna be so ganked up.....i need to teach her how to smile with her eyes....

Im pretty sure licking windows isnt normal......I should probably get that checked.....

But grossest of them all, is also the most worrisome.....POOP. Its all Dr OZ's fault too !

When did she eat sand??? Honey !! You been letting em eat dirt again?!?! It isnt supposed to have grains in it !

What kinda color is that?!?!? Thats blue......what can make poop blue?!?!.....i was cleaning windows earlier...
* *and i dont care who you are....you WILL smell it to make sure it it doesnt smell like windex**

Wait.....she hasnt pooped in 1-2-3......days. OMG she has a blockage.....her intestines gotta be twisted......shes swallowed a hotwheels or something, and its blocking her butt.

Oh. MY. GAWD!!!!  That smell * gag* isnt human *gag*. Shes got parvo.......yep its definately parvo......honey !!!
The baby has parvo !!

In summary I have drunk little numb armed window lickers that need head gear, and their poop will lead to my mental demise.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

7 wonders of the kid free weekend

I went thru the house yesterday evening and marveled at the beauty in the 7 wonders of a kid free weekend.

To this mom these things were like seeing the Sistine Chapel and the Northern Lights, at the same time, while getting a massage by a monk who softly chanted calming mantras as he worked.

If you are a mom, you may believe these wonders are just rumor......tales that are told to mommies to help them go to sleep, but I am here to tell you they are REAL !!
I have seen these wonders with my own eyes.......it was life changing.
_________________________________________________________

The First of these wonders was: The floors.....they stayed clean ! I didnt have to sweep or vaccuum once.
I didnt lay eyes on a bottle of stain remover or a mop one.....the joy of it left me speechless.

Second: Noticing that after 32 hours there were only 10 dishes in the sink AND none of them had the dreaded dried oatmeal caked to the side, or an impossible to clean sippy spout contraption.
I washed dishes without the use of a scrubber OR a CSI kit! Can you imagine?!?!?!?! It was heaven.

Third: Was a toy free living room....I walked thru without the hindrance of sharp little toys stabbing my feet & I sat on the couch without fear of having to dislodge a talking doll, from my backside
Miraculous........just miraculous.

Fourth: The top to my kitchen table.....I could see it!
ALL of it, and there arent words to describe its beauty.
You would just have to see it to believe it......

Fifth: Hot food...... My motherly palate had forgotten the wonders of of taking a bite of food, and the warm flavor bursting over your tastebuds.
I wont lie......I cried a little.

Sixth: The sun rose before my eyelids did. The beauty of this was shocking at first. I laid stunned at the sight for several long minutes rejoicing at the peace it brought.
If you've never experienced it.......I would recomend putting it on your bucket list.

Seventh: There were adults on my TV.....living breathing humans that were past puberty, on my TV, for hours on end!!!
None of them had a map, a talking backpack, or required a arm shoved up their backside to talk.
I just sat and stared because words failed me..........

My experience with these 7 wonders of a kid free weekend were great, but there were equally as many wonders I missed dearly......

Perfect little hands to hold my finger, little arms to squeeze me tight, child like laughter, baby kisses, little thundering feet, endless "I love you's" and hearing precious voices call me mama.

Those wonders cannot be replicated or replaced.......so this mama is gonna go get my Greatest Wonders.
MY BABIES !!

Friday, February 14, 2014

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Its because they love me.........

My husband and I work hard to raise humble, respectful and responsible children.
Its important to us that they grow into people that are a blessing to society.

People always say they are well behaved when they watch them, and they are little angels when I have to leave them at home with daddy.
He says they behave well and are respectful. They help sweep, clean their rooms, and fold laundry.
They move up the color chart with good behavior and have a pretty productive day overall......
Most would say that our family runs like a well oiled machine, BUT they become WAY more productive when I walk thru the door.......

Booger production increases by 65%
Snitching quality doubles
There is a significant increase in "I dont wanna's"
Bowel functons improve greatly
Hunger & thirst are at an all time high
And corner usage quadrouples !

Yay for mommy !............BIG high five to the face !!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

And they say mothers shouldnt drink.....pffft


My Oldest is chatting about getting her nails painted a blazing shade of orange, and as I go into a thought provoking explaination about tasteful vs tacky, she says:

" Then I'm gonna have an anchor design put on this finger, cause we have a thing in school where we make an anchor sign and write ' I refuse to sink' around it......"

Me:  Ummkay.....well honey.....I think,   *and I might be  wrong.......cause being a mother clearly means my brain doesnt work right*  , that the anchors job is to SINK.
They sink as far as a sinker can sink......like to the very bottom.......of the ocean.
It just simply doesnt make sense to draw an anchor, and write " I refuse to sink"

Her: yeah it does, you just dont get it......

-------*side eye* 10 bucks says she's wrote this all over the place AND put her first & last name on it, so everyone knows MY kid thinks anchors refuse to sink.

_________________________________________________________

I also got a warning, from the bus driver , on one of my Middles today.
Evidently he has been acting a donkey on the school bus. 
I was lecturing about how the bus drivers job, is to get my Most Precious gifts home safely......
And how kids ,acting like they missed their sunshine meds, can cause him to wreck and hurt everyone inside.

I simply asked: " What do you think happens to people, when they know they caused others to get hurt?"

******expecting " they feel bad about it"*******

This is what I got: You go to jail, til you die, BUT dont drop the soap!! .......I think its because its hard to pick back up, and then you cant get your bodies clean cause the soap will be dirty from the floor.

------What the What?!?!?! My brain shut down after "Dont drop the soap".......
Where the sam hill did that come from?!?! Sweet Baby Jesus!!

Me: *ahem*  yes.....exactly........cause dirty soap cant make bodies clean......

Didnt even attempt to finish that conversation. *sigh*

He's just gonna hafta act funky.....go to jail.....and not drop the soap if he wants to stay clean in the slammer.

There is nothing in the Mothers Recovery Manual that instructs you on how to come back from " dont drop the soap".  Nothing.......

......they dont pay me enough for this mess.

Monday, February 10, 2014

So thats what it feels like to have a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!

Ive done the ' terrible twos' a few times at this point........but this round has about whipped me.

I dont know if its because there are 2 of them, or if they are especially frazzling.........but I'm starting to think I'm gonna have a drinking habit by the time this is over.

Lil: mama

Me: yes ma'am?

Lil: ummmmmmm.........

Ayla: *runs thru the house for the 6413 time*

Me: stop running !!!

Lil: mama

Me: yeah.... I said stop running !! Imma strangle.....Lord !!

Lil: ummmmm.......

Me: what is it???

Lil: mama

Me: O_o!!! Yessssssssss

Lil: ummmmmm

Me: * raaaawrblahblahrrrrrrrrrw*........sigh....Lil please dont say mama unless you want something.

Ayla: *quiet*

Me: crap !!! Ayla where are you?!?

Lil: mama???

Me: what Lil? I'm lookin for Ayla....AYLA!!!

Lil: mama.....

Me: Thats a toilet brush!!! Dont brush your........Oh Gawd..

Lil: mama.....

Me:

             ^^^^^^^^ See that blank space?

Thats my mind.....my brain used to fill this space with thought & reasoning, but has decided to move to a more favorable location with better neighbors and lower crime rates.

Pintrest = Love

I know it seems like I'm anti-pintrest......but I'm not.
I think some of their ideas are absotootly clever!!
Hanging stopped clocks, to showcase your childs exact time of birth!.......
Heeeello......Thats a Super cute -too much information- idea! And there are millions of equally stupendous ideas....... just like that.

However......In the past I have had a run in, or two, with some hardcore pinterest moms.
You know who they are...
Knitting jackets outta lint they found in the dryer.......

Hackin the bottom off of grannies curtains, so they can sew them to the ankles of their childs pants.......

Painting their family initials ,on the garbage can in scripted font.....

And of course there are those who cannot make a fruit salad, without it eventually turning into a swan.

Those ladies give me a twitch in the left eye......... because the things they are doing, make me feel like my kids are gonna grow up without the love only Pintrest can bring.
Who can grow properly without those little ghost made out of banana halves??......

******BREAKING NEWS: BANANA FACTORY HAS BEEN ROBBED!******

"Why did you rob that banana factory Calvin????"

"Cause my mama didnt love me"

" whys that??"

"She ruined my 3rd grade halloween party at school......she only brought candy!!
Little Bobby's mama loved him tho....she made ghost out of bananas.
All the kids pointed and laughed at my candy.
They called me Candy Corn Calvin my whole life after that"

----Po lil Tink Tink.....all he wanted was some Pintrest love...

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Do you see this gaggle of hooligans??

They crack me up

Proof my children are high

This girl is stoned out of her gord.......but sounds exactly like my kids on a normal drive to the store.
Checkin rooms for their stash as we speak........been saying they were high for years.
This proves it !!!

"Theres an elephant on my tounge !.......oh Hiiii"

"Know what??? Giraffes are my favorite animals.......and know what????  I need a new pair of shoes"
........yep thats them to a tee.

Bre & Jay ! If you can read this.....

YOU R BUSTED BUCKOS !!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPutYIUztXw&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Wonder if this would work at Wal-Mart......

Having a bunch of kids is difficult in alot of ways.......

*They are loud
*They eat a lot
*They always needs something wiped
*If you clean it. They will find it.....and  kill it
*" If you ask for something in this store, you're riding home in the trunk"......is normal pre-shopping conversation.

It also has its perks! Today was a fine example:

Our tire has been going low for weeks. In the past few days its been really really bad.
Like estimating how many kids it will take to push the car home, bad.
This morning my husband found the culprit........A nail......*of course the hubby looks at me like I did it, because nails obviously avoid male drivers*
Anyhoo, we had to round up the midgets and go get it plugged.

We get to the tire place, and tell em what we need.
Afterwards a nice young man waves us into the 'docking station'. 
While waving, he gets a look at my brood thru the window....waving and hooting, cause this is the most excitement they've had all week.....
A look total terror crosses his face and you can see him mentally counting: "One, two, three.......omgaah....Is that one picking his??....Awww man! He ate it......."

Before we get the window halfway down, he says
"Y'all just hold tight...." 
and proceeds to strip the tire, from our car, with 2 adults and 5 children inside.

Thats right folks.....he would rather tear a muscle jacking 2 TONS of car & human weight into the air.
Than have my screaming-booger eating brood unload from the car.

I didnt have to unlatch a single carseat buckle :)
Score one for the fertile team !!
 

Friday, February 7, 2014

Thats it! We are moving........

We cut our middle daughters hair from her hips to her shoulders, a while back.
Since it doesnt have the weight to hold it straight anymore, styling after baths is necessary.
If you dont blow it dry.......its a hot mess.
Shes been wearing a boggin to school lately, and told me she wore it all day.
So I let her freak flag fly........cause its covered with a boggin right??? None sees the proof of my morning laziness.......

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WROOOONG!!!!!

This morning her hair was particularly funky.
She went to bed with it wet, and even after brushing...... it defied gravity.

ME: No biggie *shrugs* we will slap a rainbow monkey boggin on, and noone will know that you look like a feral child under that hat.

Bre: mmmkay.....can I eat my candy at snack

Me: sure

Nae: the bus is coming!!!!

**** rush to slap boggins and coats on****

RIGHT before they go out the door, Nae (My oldest) says:

" You know they make us take our hats off, before we go in the gym right??........everybody sees Bre's hair everyday"

---------->WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I feels like the time my mom caught my pre-teen self jumping up & down in front of the mirror.......staring at my boobs......

Utter shock-->followed by embarassment-->followed by a frantic rush of brain activity to come up with a reasonable excuse for whats going on.
It usually comes out like " Its naked exercising.....keeps the body cool while you burn calories....."
Which is a total lie, but you would rather stick your hand in the mouth of a rabid badger than tell what you were REALLY doing.

So heres the first 3 things my synapses fired off, in my moment of panicked embarassment:

1) I have no arms....therefore I cannot style

2) I fixed it, but the bus driver has a tazer.....I bet Bre got out of her seat again.....

3) Bre ran away several days ago, and has been living in the woods and brushing her hair with a stick......Thank God she found clean clothes in her size.....and signed homework.....and toothpaste......and a way to school everyday.

One of these will totally fly right??? Cause I aint telling anyone that I thought I was getting a pass and lazed out, by slapping a hat on my kids wild hair.
Not to mention I'm letting her eat CANDY for snack........gaaaaah

The Pintrest moms would be at my door with pitchforks and torches. Burning homemade wreath wrapped crosses in my yard .............I'm gonna have to move out of state.
There is no other alternative.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

No one to blame but myself

As a child I remember alot of stuff.....
Like having a crush on a boy and getting him a swiss army style pair of toenail clippers.
Ya know, In case he got stranded in the forest and needed a pedicure.
I put it in a ziplock bag, that I drew hearts and lips all over, then snuck to his window in broad daylight,
* so the sun would blind anyone who might see me*
and left it on his window sill........where he never found it, until the rain obliterated my lovely art work of love.
Then I saw him picking his nail with the file of my gift....while talking to Wendy on the bus. That is where I planned my first hair snatching & eye scratchin.......Totally his fault for being a bag, BUT It wouldnt hurt my feelings if ALL of Wendys children were born with a crooked pinky toe, making it impossible to wear open toe shoes without people pointing and laughing.
Crush stealing harlot......

I also remember thinking I was McGyver when our wack job neighbor started shooting at his daddy over a gallon of milk. Children were running everywhere.....but I was cool as a cucumber.
Sprinting in and out from between parked cars, running in zig zag patterns,  until I rolled *stuntman style* behind a bush........where I fashioned myself a dusguise of mud and shrubbery<<< total McGyver move!
In reality, my disguise was mud in my eye from diving head first.....and a big limb that I held over my head, as I ran screaming to the house.
The idea was, the branch would confuse the gunman, so if he tried blowing my head off.......he would just be shooting a stick.
In hindsight, I prooooobably should have dressed the branch up to make it more believable.....and I am lucky I didnt poke my eye out running, like a ostrich, with a sharp stick in my hand.

Then there was the time my daddy said my mama looked like a "street walker", when he picked me up for a weekend visit.
Mama was going out with friends, and I thought she was the prettiest woman I ever saw.
So " street walker" obviously meant he thought she was beyond beautiful.....and I was putting that term in my memory bank for future use.
Yep......there would come a day where I could tell my mama she looked like a street walker, and it would make her the happiest woman ever.
Imagine my joy when the very next sunday, at the Kingdom Hall for Jehovahs Witnessss, someone complimented my mothers beauty........
**Here my chance!!! Eeeek !**
"Dont you think she looks JUST like a streetwalker??? My mama is the prettiest street walker ever! Everybody says so".............
I faintly remember a bathroom and her not sparing the rod after that.
I'm definately NOT going to hell cause my mama saved me from it, with that single come to Jesus in the stall at the Kingdom Hall.

It really is no wonder my children are a bit off..........

Hostile Territory

My darling husband was talking about a bill thats due Feb 13th.
My husband & I dont do presents......but......being the smart mouth that I am, I said:
" Its almost like they wanna try to keep you from buying me a Valentine....that I never get anyways." *just teasing*
---------------------------------------------------------

This led to the following conversation:

Josh: I get you presents

Me: whos wife u been buying for? I buy myself presents......(besides this mothers day) name a time you got me a present. That I didnt pick out and go get......myself

***beeep beeeeep....enemy approaching......attempt redirection, attempt redirection****

Josh: Well hell, we been married so long....I never know what to getcha.

****warning...system failure-system failure...abort mission****

Me:  as in, you have NO IDEA what I like??

****Alpha squadron, do you read me?.....backup requested...enemy is employing evasive maneuvers****

Josh: yeah! I never know what to get you.....I pay for the stuff you buy yourself . Technically thats getting you a gift.....

*****Mayday Mayday.......man down, I repeat, man down...enemy is engaging in hostile activity. Bring in air support!!!!****

----------General Joshua Bare went MIA after coming into contact with a EWD (exploding wife device). Hes thought to be in the Grant area wearing a helmet and eating bologna sandwiches for dinner.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Rotten

My husband is a great man.
He works long & hard..... Loves his children more than himself, and loves me more.
Our genetics have combined to make some of the MOST beautiful little people I have ever seen, and its mostly his doing.
I simply couldnt ask for a better mate to spend this life with.

BUT

.....if one of his spawn expels another genetically inherited plume of death............Imma have a wife.
Cause hes gonna be missin the parts that made em.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Screw hours......There arent enough NAPTIMES in a day

One of my two year olds was a parrot in her past life. She just yaps all the time.
She generally uses terms/phrases shes heard my older children use.
Todays phrase is "I's Not"........and it may lead to her demise.

Ayla, you better not be in the trash
I's Not......

Stop touching that
I's Not-----

Dont put that pencil in there
I's Not...........

Dont stick that in your nose
I's Not........

You cant hit your sister
I's Not........

Dont shove that in the toilet
I's Not........

Dont put that in your mouth
I's Not.......

Get your hands out your pants
I's Not.........

Stop choking the cat
I's Not.......

You cant eat soap
I's Not...........
I obviously missed the memo about today being opposite day because "I's Not" = "Thats exactly what I'm doin"

I am blessed to have ALL my children. Each and every one of them.
BUT Somedays I really have to remind myself of that...... before one of em gets field goaled, and I start end zone dancing.

Theres gonna be some pony riding  & arm waving, if she dont sit down somewhere.........just sayin.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Funeral Arrangements are Pending.....

Fostering children is a rewarding experience filled with love and new experiences.
Its also nerve wracking, as you have to meet the requirements of the state and subject yourself & your home to stressful inspections for approval.
Today was our last home inspection........and ALL my kids were home.

Inspector: well everything looks good

Me: *noting a little head peeping around the corner* Come on out, and say hello Bre.

Bre: Hi ! I'm Bre....we didnt have school today.

Inspector: Hi, are y'all having a good time staying home?

Bre: Yeah, imma get Jay to come see you.

***Looking back, I should have shoved the woman out the door at this point***

Bre: Hey Jay!! Theres a REALLY dark brown woman here.....go say Hi!

---------------and I just died......Please send hard liquor in lieu of flowers.