When I grow up.....

I've been around my fair share of the elderly. Spent the first decade of my emploment, caring for them in one way or another.
They are absolutely my most favorite kind of people.

I used to spend hours talking to my patients, watching them and thinking about what kind of older person I would be.
It was then that I noticed there are 5 specific kinds of old ladies.

Graham Cracker Granny: Made with angel kisses and pure sugar, these ladies are the ideal grandmothers.
They own alot of doilies, and their vaccuum may have a cover that looks like a cow.
She will have rose shaped soap on the sink, that you arent allowed to touch. Instead you will wash your hands with soap that smells like the blood of a million leprechauns.
She will feel like a feather pillow when you hug her and she lives & breathes to make cookies for the spawn of her offspring. Lots & Lots of cookies.....

The Gray Hair Gazette: "You know I dont like to gossip, buuuuuut....." is ingrained in her DNA.
She has a talent for throwing out the warm & fuzzies to get ya talkin ........then everyone within in a 10 mile radius will know about your hemmrroids.
You cant be mad at her telling your business either!!
That would be a sin. *its in the bible somewhere*
According to rumor, she has a direct line to God (thru the 45 pastors in the family) and you dont wanna mess with that.

Geriatric Garage Sale Queen: only has a pulse in the spring & summer months......where she will emerge from her den to buy truckloads of old dishes & oil lamps for a quarter.
She does not have an empty corner, or closet, in her house.
If the world ,as we know it, ever ends.........you will be able to rebuild a small city with whats in her attic.

Free Spirit Fanny : has lived a million lives and knows about it all.
She has either done it, read about it, or has a second cousin thats doing it now.
Nothing shakes her.......she is at total peace, no matter the chaos that surrounds her.
She drinks quote filled coffee and has alot of windchimes BUT dont let her wise and collected demeanor fool ya....
Shes has a tattoo on her backside that says "Property of Elvis" and  more "man miles" than a 54 chevy.

The fifth was always my favorite, probably because it will be me one day..........

Spit Fire & Support Hose : is usually 'with it' mentally but has her crazy moments. Noone can figure out if its medical or if shes just a pain in the ass.
She hangs out with her roomie Ethel alot......because its fun to get ole Ethel going by telling her the staff are peeing in her orange juice. *Ethel is a little paranoid*
She is a wise old bird, that cant help but to tell the truth.
Even if it comes out like " you wore those shoes that make you look fat again"
She wont take any flak .........and may get an extra dose of Adivan at the home for snatchin folks up when they touch her jello.
When the moon is full, you may find her walkin down the hall naked cause the back of her knees are hot....or so she says.
It is very likely shes doing this because shes bored, and its entertaining to see the nurses try and figure out exactly where to grab a naked old lady.
Its not like you can grab her by the elbow.......her boobs reach down that far........

"They're grabbin my boobs again Ethel......Hide yers while you can !!"