Why I didnt join the Army

I have just enough self discipline not to kill people, but thats about it.
This character flaw leads to alot procrastination, especially when it comes to replacing stuff.
I would rather have my ovaries jerked out, thru my nose, than go to the store with 5 kids.

So I do weird stuff like: put water, in a bottle of dish liquid and shake myself into a seizure trying to get that laaaaaast little bit out to avoid a trip to the store to replace it. Which is insane.......

To stop the insanity, I have started to throw stuff away as soon as it needs replacing.
Was super proud of myself for tossing those ratted shoe laces, a couple weeks ago......til I put off replacing them.....and had to wear laceless shoes.

BUT I learned my lesson !!!!!! Swore right then & there, I would replace stuff in a timely fashion. No more lookin like a gangsta for me !!!

My can opener has been on the blink forever.
Its not really broken.......it just requires a specific combination of things in order to work.
1) You clamp down on the can,
2)  Lift can approx 3/4in off the counter,
3) Then turn the handle clockwise,
4) While holding your head at a 45` angle, and
5) Cry as your wrist tendons snap from the strain.

Trashed that bad boy 2 days ago ! Yeah baby !!!

Made spaghetti tonight. Boiled my noodles and made my bread. Went to add the sauce..........OMGaaaaaaaah...
I threw away the can opener 2 days ago. * hangs head*

Of course the midgets picked up on my panic imediately.
Household hunger levels spontaneously rose from Code Yellow, to Code Red Starvation Mode.
They all start screeching like cats.
Theres a storm coming
Im trying to find the gun so I can shoot my way into this can of pasta sauce. Failed
I grab a knife and the screeching cats scatter......this can will open or we will both die trying.
I flip it over to stab it........and there's a pull tab !!!

There IS a God !!!!!!!!!!!  Scouts honor I will never do that again.....I will replace things in a timely manner......no more breaking into cans like a hobo....

^^^^Does anyone else see a pattern forming here? ^^^^

I may need an intervention.....I almost murdered a can in front of my children.
I'm a tad bit shaken, so I will settle for a glass of wine.