*sigh*

Bless my husbands sweet soul.....he tries to always be a help to me.
Helps with the kids, cooks on occassion , lets me take long baths, works like a dog, and I've never touched a mower ,in the almost 8 years we have been together.

But hes a man...........

We have a routine in the mornings, that starts very early.
My kids are not the get up and go types....

Jay must eat breakfast at home since he feels that the cafeteria is his new class clown stage.......tapping on the tables, in front of a bunch of half asleep teachers, isn't how we want to start our day.

Bre is NOT a morning person. You must physically drag her limp form from the bed, while yelling "wake up ! You're killing my back!"

Nae is 11, and as a pre-teen. She feels she owes it to her fellow pre-teens to follow the long honoured tradition of taking AS LONG AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE to complete simple tasks..... like, picking out a shirt.
Evidently this is rocket science, and you must take every detail into careful consideration OR the earth may stop spinning......shuttling us all into utter chaos.
Shes simply saving the world and has no idea why I an yelling for her to get her tail in gear.

I set out the Middles clothes, socks and shoes but somehow everything gets lost and must be relocated.......as slow as humanly possible.....because these items have went to visit the land of "I dont know".
-----"Well.....where did your shoes go ?!?!"--------- "I dont know"

They must open their snack box 57 times to make sure the banana I placed inside, hasn't some how escaped.
I guess bananas are the Houdini of the fruit family.......

Annnnnd

Occasionally they wait, til the bus is coming, to tell me about the homework they "forgot" yesterday.
You want to lay a "healing" hand on them, but their simply isn't time......you must channel your Matrix type skills and slow time itself so they can rush and get it done.

These things take time people!!

My helpful husband doesnt know any of these things........and decided today was the day to allow me to sleep in until 6:25. He wakes me right before he has to go into work.

SIX TWENTY FIVE ......A.M.!!!!!!!!

I slowly open my eyes to realize I have exactly 10 minutes to get all of the above done.
10 bleeping minutes !!!

My husband is a good man........He will be greatly missed.

Worry=Wine

There are tons if things I didnt anticipate having to worry about as a mother.....It simply never occured to me.
It starts from the moment you become pregnant, and I suspect it will remain until they split the little bit of nothing I leave behind.

Whats that cramp?

Does this food have crap in it that will make my child a wacko after its born?

OMG.....I just tripped and my baby probably bashed its head against my spine... .

Should it kick this much?

Is it kicking enough?

Is this labor? No?......Wait, was that labor?

OMG this isnt normal labor !!! IM DYING!......Oh God I'm dead....

Is the baby breathing...is the baby breathing.....is the baby breathing....is the baby breathing?

Dawg ! My babys poopin black ! Heyyyyyyy somebody ! My baby has rot gut ! Helllllp !

Babies should be cooking for themselves by now right? ......

Why arent they talking yet?

Why dont they ever shut up?

Get down !!! Why do you wanna die 15 times a day....not normal.....going to see a doctor.

Am I too hard on em?

They are punks ! I gotta buckle down before someone winds up in the slammer......

Vaccines.......no vaccines....

Stranger Danger !!

Dogs bite...GMOs....

Ebola....yellow fever...H1N1....

Terrorist ........ school shootings....

My family is crazy.....did I pass the crazy gene to them?

The List Is ENDLESS!!!!!!!!

The latest worry is: Will my children mesh well with my friends kids in school.

What if they hate each other?
What if their kid is an ass......and my kid has to ninja them?
Or
My kid is an ass and they ninja my kid?!?!
**They better not mark up my kids pretty face !**

What will I do?
What will they do?
I get winded pretty easy.....can I still ninja folks?
I need a stick......yes....a stick will work.
Wait, do I really wanna take a stick to my friend?.....maybe we should talk it out.
What if they act crazy cause its their kid and I have to hate them?
Can I hate em?.....what if they hate me?!?!
Is that even possible? Im pretty awesome......I dont know.
Is my husband bigger than theirs?......that could work in a pinch.

Waaaait........what if their boy wants to date my girl and breaks her heart.

Ugh......Its a miracle I dont have a drinking problem.

Wait......does wine count as drinking?

OmGaaaaaah......Im a drunk.

--------All This and I dont have a single teenager yet---------

Lazy = Safe

We just go see a firework display on the 4th usually.

They are easier, and I have already explained to all that I am NOT a super mom.
I dont do red, white & blue berry cakes, and bandana dresses.
We dont make multi-colored layered drinks, and serve em on a flag draped table
*because that's disrespectful*

We wash our butts and wear pajamas to a show, cause they will be asleep by the time we get home and I dont feel like changing their clothes.

Anyhoo,
I was having a bit a nostalgia this fourth of July.
Ya know....Bottle rockets, Chasers, Roman Candles and Smoke Bombs...
Memories of laughing & running thru the dark, with watermelon and sparklers were going thru my head.
Clouding my good sense.

Sooooo..... we changed plans, last minute, and got a few explosives for home.
THE KIDS WERE STOKED!

There are several factors we didnt take into account.
The first being we were we are idiots.
There are reasons we go see fireworks away from home !

1) Fire + 5 kids = Trouble
Am I the only parent that weaves a tale about how the blanket is the magic "safe zone"???
It will keep you safe, but if you come off it......I cant guarantee something wont blow your legs to bits?
Dont judge until you have 5 window lickers trying to chase the pretty flaming balls of death.
I had to stop one with a karate kick to the abdomen as they ran towards me while I was firing a Roman Candle !!!!!

Which leads to.....

2) Im too old to be bendy.
I decided to distract the kids with a side show, while Josh set up the big show.
My first attempt was a Roman Candle Extravaganza !!!!
I held the stick, fuse up...and lit it.

Then the following thoughts ran simultaneously thru my head:

Its been a decade since I shot one of these......the balls come out the fuse end right?
No......most shoot away from the fuse.
Shit that end is pointing AT me!!
* beeeend to the right*
It cant hit me like this..wait what if it hits the kids?!
*beeeeeeend to the left*
Oh God this was an awful idea.
.........its about to go off !!
OmG which end is it!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!
-----chuck it like a sissy and run----

FYI: it comes out the fuse end.

3) The testosterone aint no better than me.
By the time the Roman Candle Extravaganza fizzled in the neighbors grass......Josh was ready.

I watched with pride as my manly man lit those fuses.....dropped em in the tube.....and struck a "fire in the hole" pose, where he would squat with his ears covered.....and they would blast up into the sky with a huge colorful boom.
He was playing Army! It was precious.
*Boom Boom Boom !! *

The 4th round was ready to go and once again I admired his pyro skills.
He slammed that tube down, lit that fuse, and hunkered down like a real man.
Then........instead of "straight up in the sky with a boom".
He got "sparkler on crack"........

This thing rained hellfire and brimstone onto my husband in a fountain of green, red, and yellow!!

He was stationed in the kids play tower, so he was stuck...... running in circles and screaming, as he tried to survive the Armaggedon of firework displays.

I am writing this as my phantom self because I died laughing in the yard.

SUMMARY:
I'm achy, hes toasted, the kids are permanently warped........we are gonna wrap up in out safety zone blanket and just enjoy the show next year.

Why I am NOT my mother

Hand on the bible...... my mother was a lunatic when we were kids.

She would get this wild look on her face , her hair would stick out

She would say stuff like " I....HAVE....HAD.....ENOUGHHHHHH!"........and we just knew we were gonna die.

I was a good child !!
I was obedient, and respectful (cause I didnt wanna die) .... I got good grades, and ate my vegetables.

It has to be him......he must have been some wild monkey child, with a death wish, who never listened to his mother.

Its the ONLY explaination !!!

Today as I glanced out my window and saw the kids covered in the VERY mud I told them to stay away from.... the dreaded words slipped from my lips.....

"I.....HAVE.....HAD.....ENOUGHHHHH!"

Then I choked the box of spaghetti I was holding, to death, and called their daddy....

He made these little demons....he can deal with em while I have some wine.

They aint making me crazy.....please.

They should be called "Why's"

They said boys are different.
I hope their pants catch fire...Bunch of liars !

Different doesnt begin to cover these creatures that are boys.

We will start with their breath : who's butt were they licking in their sleep?!? OMGaaaaah

Their hair: Why wont it lay down? There is ALWAYS a wayward patch that refuses to behave. Especially on picture day.

Bodily functions: Why must it be everywhere? Pee on the toilet, poop paper in the floor two inches from the can, underwear.......dont get me started on the boys underwear. Why?!?

Clothes: *side eye* get grass stains on everything....One Mo Time..

Eating: Must they shovel it in their mouths like starving feral children, and be completely unaware of the honey comb cereal hanging from their chin? How does this happen? Is their face numb?

Drama: If anyone ever says anything about girls drama......they have never seen a boy throw a fit.
The frequency at which they can scream is glass shattering....
Let Mario die.....your ears will ring for an hour.

Body part obcession: Why are they touching their junk all the time?
Im not talking about the normal butt pick either.
I have never once, walked in on my girls pimp slapping their hoo-ha's......but the boy......you would have thought his penis owed him money.
"Boing ! Boing ! BOoooooING!!!" He says.
I just shut the door, they obviously had an issue to work out.

Lack of life preserving fear: Is it necessary to do stuff that can kill you......everyday?
In a month the boy has killed his 4 front teeth, broke his arm and gotten a concussion.
All from doing some dare devil trick off the highest point possible, at school or home. 
Does he not know that even if he doesnt die, I may?.....I am always 2 seconds away from stroking out. Seriously.

Inappropriate humor: Opening the freezer, shirtless, then rushing to another perso  hollering "my nickles shrank up!!!" is currently his favorite parlor trick.
He thinks its hilarious....and it was funny.....about 572 times ago.

Longest & most uneffective shower award goes to: My son !! Who somehow can manage to be in the shower 45 minutes and never get his hair washed.......probably cause hes too busy slappin his junk....

I may never figure this little man child out......ever.
Thank God he gives such good hugs and loves his mama most....Its the only thing that saves him most days.

Parental Questioning for Idiots.

If you ever see me out with my children, and are tempted to make a comment about how many of them there are, how we can afford it, or if we are aware of how they are  made.....*which is my favorite intrusive question by the way*........let me save us both some time.

Here is a quick troubleshooting guide:
-------------------------------------
YES they are ALL mine...... Even the one eating his boogers.

YES I am aware of how to prevent pregnancy and how babies are made *obviously we ROCK at making em*......I have not, however, found a cure for verbal diarrhea & brain disfunction.
Which you sadly suffer from.

NO we do not plan to have more.......but If we change our mind you will NOT be notified........because you dont matter.......sorry.

You may ask how we can afford it.... AFTER we recieve proof that you have paid at least 12 months of our mortgage.
Otherwise its none of your business.

Why so many????.......well...... someone had to do the dishes......child labor....duh!

Yes my husband is glad to have a son....you are quite clever for noticing that one of our kids is not like the others, BUT he is not more treasured than our girls .....he has a penis, not a gold nugget, between his legs.
So save your "bet you're glad you had at least one boy" comments.........
It offends my ovaries.

I am not a better woman than you, but my mother was obviously better than yours..... The fact that I have some tact & manners proves that.
You may wanna talk to your mama about your severe lack of those 2 character traits......They are kinda important.

While I am sure you think I should pull my uterus over my head & hide from the shame of going against social norms........I think that you should stretch a condom over your head to protect us both from your idiocy.
So I guess we are even.

Having a bunch of kids does not = government assistance.
Sooooooo I don't own a food stamp card........ but if I did, I would totally buy you a buggy full of food that's rich in vitamin shut the hell up.......cause you are an idiot.

-------------------------------------

My husband & I are responsible and self sufficient adults, who CHOSE to parent 5 children......so spare us the CIA style interrogation.

Its interrupting our bow chicka wow wow-ing and awesome baby making flow.

Thanks & have a nice day :)

Help Me Be Brave

Most days I feel like a flunkie......

I feed em hotdogs cause its easy.

Yell cause they make me crazy.

Tell em worms will grow in their butt if they keep chewin erasers.

Advise them to kick bullies in the throat.

Am useless when they are hurt *see previous blog entry*

And feel like they will hate each other forever cause they never stop fighting........

My middles bicker to no end!
They are 5 and everything is an argument:

Who washes their hair the fastest.

Who gets to sit in what chair at the table.

Who loves me more.

Who's turn it is to pick the movie.

THE LIST IS ENDLESS !!!

Today Jay had to see the bone doctor to get his permanent cast.
I decided Bre could go at the last minute , and the whole way there Jay said when he gets a shot he's holding her hand cause she "makes him brave"
I assured him he wouldn't need shots. I Promised even !!!

THEN we get there, and the doc tells us his bone is healing off center.....
The doc needs to numb Jay's arm and reset it.
* Lets add "Mama's a big ole liar" to todays failure list*

As the doc walks in.....I spot a 4 inch NEEDLE!!!!! and my soul bleeds for my little trooper.
This may be more than he can bear.

And I may pass out.....Im a flunkie so I cant guarantee anything......just sayin.

As they insert the needle he moans for his sister......

"Aubreeeeey help me be brave!"

My heart melts, as she bolts to his side to hold his hand.....and holds it tight...... to lend her bravery to the brother that she loves.
Even if she would never admit it.

I do ALOT of stuff wrong......BUT I'm doing the important stuff right.

A sibling is how a parent makes sure their children will never have to walk this world alone..........

Today my babies proved they didnt need me. They had each other, and thats enough.......

Me vs Emergency

I've seen just about everything......busted heads, spines sticking out of road burned backs, puss filled cysts, broken bones, gaping holes in the chest....
I usually approach these situations in a calm and collected manner.
 I am in control, and useful during these times.....I am the person you want there to help.

Unless the emergency involves my husband or children....
Useless doesn't begin to describe me in these situations.



Me  vs   Emergency
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emergency:
3 children fall face first from an out of control, speed demon porch swing....directly onto concrete....from about 5 feet.
Me:
I quickly assess the situation. I conclude that the child who's entire body flipped over their head, twisting their neck backwards, needs my attention first and act accordingly.

VS

Emergency:
My nephew is playing with the rod that opens the mini blinds. Nae, who is 3 at the time, begins to scream.
Me:
Wildly crash though the house to get to her, while visualizing that someone has ripped her arm from her body and is beating her with it.
As I enter the room I see that her arm is attached BUT this rod is sticking out of her eye.......HER FREAKING EYE!

Do I?
A) take control of the situation, and quickly stabilize the rod to prevent further damage
B) call 9-1-1
C) run away screaming for my mama, leaving my 3 year old, and her eye, to fend for themselves

The correct answer is: C
As soon as she turned towards me and I saw that rod, I did a complete 180 and RAN from the room screaming for my Mama.
I then proceeded to lock myself in my mothers room so I could pace & wail about how my poor baby was gonna have to wear a pirate patch..........
What occurred was a complete and utter loss of my senses.
Luckily my sister was there to help Nae with her rod in the eye dilemma.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emergency:
Car battery explodes in a guys face as he tries to jump start a car, spraying battery acid in his eyes.
Me:
Snatch the man by his collar, as he runs in circles in my yard, and drag him to the shower. Where his girlfriend & I flood his face and eyes with water to flush the acid.
Calm and Cool.......just jumped into action. Super Simple

VS

Emergency:
Bre (age 2) is running thru the house like a wild indian.
She trips at full speed and slams, head first, into the corner of the fridge & lays there without making a sound or moving.

Me:
Telling her to stop running, just seconds before...I am not surprised when I see her trip BUT I am petrified when I hear the cracking noise her head makes as it connected with the corner.

Do I?

A) run to her and see if she is ok
B) call 9-1-1
C) stand stock still, because if I make a noise...... shes gonna wake up, which is gonna lead to getting up... and her brains gonna fall clean out.

The correct answer is: C
Yep,got a baby down and I am playing emergency freeze tag.
I stood about 20 feet away and waited several seconds before I quietly said "Bre?? you ok?"......... from across the dadgum room!!
In my head, if I just stood real still  & quiet.....her brains would think no one was home, and would crawl back inside her head. Made total sense at the time.....for real.
It was a good thing that Nae was home and had the good sense to go pick her little sister up off the floor, as I yelled "dont move her brains!!" from my special emergency spot across the room. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emergency: 
A man I once knew......shoots himself in the chest right in front of me....... twice.
Me:
 As soon as the second shot rang out, I was busting thru the house to call 9-1-1 and demanding a chopper because the injury was just right of the heart and main aorta. I knew an ambulance wasnt an option. 
I then ran back outside to keep pressure on the wound until help arrived. 
Never hesitated.....Never panicked.....just did the common sense stuff. 
* he survived*

VS

Emergency:
I am approx 8 months pregnant with Ayla, and I come home from work to eat lunch.
Josh is pale, sweating, short of breath and nearly in tears from chest pains

Me:
This is what a heart attack looks like.....I know this.......
Dont freak out.....you always freak out.......you cant freak out this time.

Do I??

A) Immediately rush him to the emergency room
B) Call 9-1-1
C) Google "signs of a heart attack" while uselessly counting his pulse......... because Google knows everything & people don't die as long as you count their pulse.

The correct answer is: C

I have no logical explanation for this.......it is purely by the grace of God I eventually had enough sense to drive him to the hospital after confirming, THRU GOOGLE, that he was indeed showing signs of a heart attack. 
He should have run me over with a gurney as soon as the the magic "stop having a heart attack" pill kicked in. 



SUMMARY:
In the wake of a Zombie Apocalypse......... my family is screwed 
BUT 
If anyone else needs help............. I'm your gal. 

The sweet sweet slumber of a husband

Every morning I wake up and my feet hit the floor running.
Im drawn to the gurgling sound my coffee pot makes, as its done brewing........it sounds like pure heaven.
The children hear it too and they start circling my legs like cats wanting their breakfast.
I feed them to shut the constant "mama...mama...mama..."  up, and I start dish water for the clean up that is always necessary after a bunch of kids rush thru breaskfast to see who's "first".
I straighten beds and yell " brush your teeth" randomly as small heads pass by.
Breaking up a cat fight over a stuffed puppy, & difussing a meltdown cause someone got the orange crayon first..... is easy.
-----------BUT---------------
Getting my husband out of bed.........well they may find the Holy Grail before I find an easy way to do that.
His peaceful slumber, and ability to sleep thru the racket that is our family, makes me wanna drop a wet cat on his head.
It would be done out of love of course...........

Being a SAHM...........The easy road & truck loads of chicken shit

After working since I was 15.......making the decision to leave the workforce and focus on being a mother at 30, was hard.
I had never been a stay at home mom long term, and quite frankly I didnt think there would be much to it....

I had been a full time worker, a full time mom, a full time wife........psssssht.......being a stay at home mom would be a breeze!

I was finally going to join the ranks of those lucky mothers that got to take it easy.......YES !

I had plans:

House would be clean
Children would all be in line behaviorly
Husband would be super happy with all the meals that were home cooked with love.
I would have playdates
We would take trips to the park and walk in the evening during our free time.
I would attend every school function and class party
I would do lunch with friends at least once a week
My children would be happier because mommy would be with them all the time.
I would plant flowers

BIRDS WOULD SING AND RAINBOWS WOULD APPEAR, THEN A UNICORN WOULD ARRIVE........ PULLING A CART OF CHOCOLATE AND SUNSHINE............



If anyone really loved me back then..... they would have ran me, clean over, with a truck FULL of chicken shit.

What kind of super dope was I smoking???     Take it easy........truck full of chicken shit I tell ya!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My house is semi clean......but If you move anything out, I will have to kill you and bury you in the dust you found back there.


My children DO behave, but that's cause mommy is a tad unstable from being home too much.
Misbehavior makes her eye twitch and she starts talkin all calm...........totally creepy.

I'm home when it cooks........that totally qualifies frozen pizza, as a meal that is home cooked with love right????
 

Playdates......well I suck at those because I have found that I dislike most peoples children.
They tend to be brats......especially when I don't care much for their mother. ***just the truth, dont hate***


Trips to the park.....we do em, but then I got lazy and just made a park in the back yard. Go swing or something......


Walks during our free time in the evening.......HAAAAAA *deep breath* HAAAAAA .....omg I cant breathe.....free time......HA !


I only have time for major school events because taking the two toddlers into a function, makes me wanna pull my ovaries out thru my eye sockets......sooooo, I make up for the rest with harassing the kids poor teachers via FB and text.
Its a miracle one of em hasn't pooped in a box, and mailed it to my house.


Lunch with friends......aint nobody got time for that mess !!!!!! I eat toddler leftovers..........that is my life.
 

My children love their mother.......I insist upon it!.......but they are sick of my face.
They don't say it, but I see it in their eyes, as they leave for the rare stay over with family..........that " Thank God!!" expression is undeniable.
 

I aint mad tho..........
The minute they are out of sight...... I start walkin around the house naked, singing old Negro spirituals & hollerin:

 "FREE AT LAST.....FREE AT LAST !! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY... I'M FREE AT LAST!!!"

 

Smiley face papers = anxiety

Who came up with the bright idea of putting kids crap on the fridge???

As I walk by and knock 17 smiley face papers off the fridge, for the 1,372nd time, with the slightest movement of air............
I have realized that they are not a symbol of parental pride & love..........their sole purpose is to clutter up my fridge and torture me.

Plain & simple

I bet it was the great grandmother of the creator of Pinterest........those heifers have been after me from the start.

Who knew knew illness breaks your give a crap??

As I lay here, at 1:44am, I realize I dont really like children that much.

*gasp!! Mommy's cant say that!!*

Shut up......I dont have to like em all the time.

_____________________________________

I have died 67 times in the last 3 days from strep throat.......you heard me right......Strep Freakin Throat.

The stuff my kids get and still wanna run outside & play........... had me begging for pain meds like a junkie and crying for my mama.

I even considered biting a small child, so someone would shoot me Old Yeller style & put me out of misery.

I'm almost certain I saw Jesus, at one point, and he told me that that the bible has a misprint........its not by His stripes we are healed........
Its from strep we are healed !!

Cause strep is from the devil, and its delivered by little children.

As I attempt the slowest recovery in mommy-dom......my sweet precious Ayla, who has the freaking FLU, began to cough alot in her sleep.

So like any good mother should, I put her in bed with me so she wouldnt wake her sister.

Evidently she has decided that the only acceptable cough suppressant, on the planet, is located in my lower back........and can only be activated with the knees of a toddler.

I cant feel my legs, and only occupy approximately 3% of the bed, but she's sleeping just fine.

So Yes......it is 1:44am and I definately dont like children.

I probably wont like them tomorrow either.......just sayin.

This is your brain........THIS is your brain with kids

Before I was a mother, I said I wouldnt do alot of things.
I had it all figured out......my plans were fail proof!

I wouldnt yell.....cause its stupid and accomplishes nothing

I would explain everything an reason with them.......they will just do it cause its reasonable....and cause I'm right.

Wiping snot off a kid with the hem of your shirt is just nasty.....not doin it

Kids aint eating junk....thats a given

Never gonna make scenes in public.....those moms are hood rats

Not gonna let myself go......noone will ever see me without makeup unless Im dead.

My kids wont play video games.....it makes em stupid.....

Moms that yell like they have no sense at sporting events are crazy.....that wont be me.

If I name my kids.....I will remember what it is and call the correct kid by the correct name.......easy peasy

All those moms with cars that smells like sour juice and skittles ....never gonna be me.

Then the kids came.....and I have no idea what happened.

You never know when you will catch me yelling " I have had ENOUGH!!"
And the most amazing thing happens........they shut up!....for minute

I attempt to reason with them.....but am convinced that " lets talk about this"  = " terminate all brain activity " to any children 6 and under. 

Not only will I allow them to eat junk on occassion, I will wipe their snot, with the hem of my shirt.....while they chew their junk.
Its just quicker.
--------*hangs head in shame*

I will go out in elastic banned clothing, with no makeup, in front of God and everybody......and will threaten to beat a midget down, with my house shoe, if they touch one more thing in the check out lane.
I Am the Hoodrat of all hoodrat mamas.
--------* forehead slap*

This is not widely known, to those who dont have children.......but  video games = quiet.
You will crave quiet like a heroine addict, so you will let them rot their brain, just so you can get your 30 min fix of quiet for the day.
--------*Hello, my name is Dana......Im a quiet addict . Its been 4 hours since I've hady last fix*

I have developed tourettes at all sporting events, that involve my children......I will sporatically yell out random things like noone is listening.

" Quit chewin that ball glove ! You're gonna get worms in your butt !!"

"There aint no crying in baseball!"

" Push my kid again and you'll need jesus!"

"RUN, RUN, RUN !!! YES BABY YESSSSSSSS !!!!!"
-------------*sigh*

The names.......ugh......why did I have to name em?
Why couldnt "hey you"  have been good enough? So I dont have to look like I kidnapped them and dont know their names??

" Aub....Nae....Ja....shit.....ummm.......whats your name?!? Ayla! Thats it!"

" *ahem* Ayla, did you spill your juice in the car again??....... Crap!!.......... Wheres your skittles?? "

Summary :

Children make you so brain damaged, you couldnt follow a map out of your own house.......much less plans you made before you had them.

Cause smacking kids is illegal

I love my children....... but everytime I clean their room I do some serious smack talkin..

I might be wrong, but I think they were mobsters in a past life..........and their only job was to hide the body.

I'll tell you why:
Their room will appear to be clean.
I will think, " I just need to make the bed and vacuum".......but I am wrong......everytime.

There's crap hid everywhere !! And I'm 99% sure they were the ones that hid Jimmy Hoffa's body.

_________________________________________________________

Paper stuffed in the cubby of the coloring table....."what the?!?!....I told them to put that in the trash"

Crayon paper scraps under the hotwheels rug......."bet these just jumped under there all by itself...."

Pajamas in the pet shop suitcase...." mutha mutha !"

Stiff toilet paper under the pillow......" nasty snot  monsters.....imma choke...."

Writing on the wall........" that says I like spankings"

Underwear under the gaming chair......" when they get home, I'm snatchin' first and asking questions later."

Banana peel behind the blinds........ "son of a..........*DEEEP BREATH* they gotta get their own place"

Dirty socks behind the magic 8 ball......." Jesus !! They gonna need Jesus !!"

I know 2 five yr olds that have some 'splainin' to do when they get off the bus......
They better start with "Mama you sure look pretty today" or something.

Men are from Mars & Kids are from Wacktown

Women have spent billions on trying to understand men.........men are easy!! Feed em & leave em alone.....

Kids......those are creatures I will never understand.

Bre: can I call my friend mama? She wrote her number for me.
Me: lemme see the # baby and we will see.
Bre: *produces a paper with the numbers 16732290184*
Me: baby thats not a phone #........have her mama write it down.
Bre: but its a number
Me: yes but not a phone number.......
Bre: then why did someone answer when I snucks your phone and called it?
------------ If another creeper starts stalkin me cause of her......Imma trade her for a hunting dog.

___________________________________
Nae's " to do" list on her dry erase board:

Get stuff together
Pack snack for school
Straighten hair

*Right below this board is a litter box full of poo and empty food/water bowls*

Me: why dont you write " do chores, before my mama kills me." ?!?!
Lanae: cause I really needed to straighten my hair for school.
Me: but people wont see your hair, if you dont do your chores, cause I'm gonna throttle you.
Lanae: I have frizzy hair mama... *stares at me like I'm missing the point*

----------she obviously missed the threat to her LIFE !

De-frizzing her hair shouldnt make the "Top 3 things to do today" list.
Dont die would totally be my #1.......

Why must 11 yr olds not fear death?
If would make my job easier if she did.....just sayin.

_____________________________________
James: sometimes I dream of not havin a mama & daddy....
Me: why would you dream that?!?!
James: cause kids with no parents get to do what they want....and eat candy all the time....and have a dog.
Me: yeah til they croak of starvation & exposure to the elements.
James: * shrugs* i dont even know what starvations are.......
Me: I see.......and because you dont know what starvation is, you can survive it???? Totally makes sense.

.....you aint Martin Luther King.....quit dreamin.

_____________________________________
Ayla: AY-ya crys at Nanas aday....yeah, Ay-ya cry....*nodding head*
Me: why were u crying at Nanas?
Ayla: cause dat poop dot on my pinger.
-----------convo stops.......dont even wanna know why this happened OR who's poo was on your "pinger".

Got one callin creeperz,
One dreaming of being Orphan Annie,another with "Poo Pingers"  and women are acting like men are the weirdos.........

SUPER vs SARCASM

I was talking to another mom today about stain removal.
I told her about the time my kids spilled koolaid on the carpet, and how I managed to get the stain out after it had already set in.

I had no idea that what followed, would drop my IQ by 18 points..........just from hearing it.

***Blast those sneaky supermoms, and their unsolicited advice!!!***

SSM: What color was the kool-aid ?

Me: Red?

SSM:Oh dont ever do red kool-aid. Its sooooo unhealthy!
That red dye is FULL of chemicals, and can make em get adhd.

Me:
1)  I dont "do" koolaid.......you think i'm a tramp??

2)Red food dye should totally do a  grapefruit clense, and get all those chemicals out of its system...... Before it gets cancer or something.

3) I caught adhd from cupcake sprinkles once........totally messed up my plans for the weekend.
I didnt even finish saturday, before sunday started.

Had I known she was a supermom in disguise, I would have chucked kryptonite at her......... I so hope she was intelligent enough to be offended by my super sarcasm.

Why they are called "Great" grandparents.

You rarely hear the old saying: "Children should be seen and not heard" anymore.

It was common place in my great grandparents day but
it hurts peoples feelings, or something, and is highly frowned upon in todays society......but I'm telling you, there is good common sense behind it !

Lets weigh it out.........

Con's:
Slows communication skills -
Theres nothing sadder than an adult who still throws themselves in the floor, and kicks their feet.
Having say " now lets try using our words" , in your mommy voice, to a 26 year old man is just awkward.

Hinders emotional expression- Which might lead to the kid growing into a sociopath. Which is kinda scary BUT,
If you steer clear of naming them stuff like Jeffery, Charlie or Dexter, you may fare better in this area.

May lower self worth-
I will admit, this concerns me....... Adults with "Po' Lil Tink Tink" syndrome are annoying. I would rather have the above mentioned sociopath come to sunday dinner.

Pro's:
Its quiet -
Increases parental balance & peace. You will once again see people living into their 90's-100's because they didnt spend 18 yrs being talked to death.

Back talking is virtually eliminated-  Which protects children from being snatched clean out their shoes.

Nobodys tattling-
Builds problem solving skills and discourages snitching as an adult.......and the stitches that commonly follow.

Minimal complaining because something isnt fair-
This minimizes "real world PTSD" in adults. Basements around the world will be free from grown children occupation.

Ears work better when mouths aint flappin-
They may actually hear what you are saying. This may take their brain some time to adjust, but they should be fine.

Chances of parent getting beat up, or going to jail decreases-
LOOK MAMA!! "That big ladies back flaps are eating her shirt!!" will not slip from your childs lips, thus preventing that big lady from killing you in the parking lot of a gas station.

Since the Pro's outweigh the Con's, I vote for a throw back thursday on the whole "being seen & not heard" thing.

Just one day is all I'm askin........

Help a mama out homies.

Why I'm not a freakin fairy

Josh usually does the tooth fairy thing, but he left for work early one night and I had to fill in when Bre lost a tooth.

My mothers intuition failed to warn me that I'm to fat to be fairying about.......

_____________________________________

Me: creeeeeeeps in like a ninja & sticks hand under pillow

Bre: what chu doin??

Me: *screams* Doh My Gawd !

Bre: *jumps and starts crying*

Jay: mama? ....................mama???

Me: Its ok......hold on.....I'm sor-

Jay: mama why'd you holler?

Bre: you hollered at me and I didn't do nuthin!

Me: I'm sorry honey I was just checkin...

Jay: Mama ! Why's Bre crying?

Me: Hold on Jay ! I'll be there in a second!

Ayla: wwwwaaaaaaaaa !

Me: Oh My God

Lil: WAAAA

Me: you've got to be kiddin Me!

Bre: you were takin my money ?!?!

Me: *looks at hand with money in it*.......Aw Hell....

-------------------Never Again.......never ever again.

My daughter is a Nazi

One of my youngest, Ayla, is the most opinionated and stubborn of my 5 children.
She is beautiful, highly intelligent, fearless, outspoken, absolute in her decisions, a teensie bit obsessive ............ and a royal pain in the rear.

Routine & shedule is rediculiously important to her.

When she wakes you must say good morning first......if you do not you will hear " no be wude ...good moaning mama, says good moaning!"

Then, you must pour her 1/2 a cup of "coppie", which is milk with a dash of pretend creamer......if not, she will follow you saying " Ay-Ya need coppie mama !!!!! COPPIE!!"
* and Lord help if you forget her sisters "cooppie", Ayla may kill you in your sleep*

Breakfast is next. She must have the blue bowl and sit in the Snow White chair at the table, seriously dont put her in the Cinderella chair.........the world, as you know it, will end.

If she becomes overly loud at any point, do not accuse her of shouting and ask her to stop......she will look at you like you're an idiot, and inform you that she isnt shouting.... "Ay-Ya is whining".......get it right, or go get on the short bus.

She will decide the house is too dirty for her liking at some point.
She will get her vacuum and clamor about the house with it.
Slamming it into walls, and displacing all your chairs so she can get underneath em.
Stopping her is fruitless.....the only way a house can be properly clean, is if its ransacked and purified in noise first.
You will then be responsible for the real cleaning.

You will know it is time to eat because she will stand in front of you and repeat " Ay-Ya hunnry"  7,312 times before you are done making it........I recommend shoving a sock in her mouth, but thats frowned upon in most states.

Nap time is usually easy.....IF you follow proper procedure.
She will need a cup, bink, indian flute music and diego (muted) playing on the TV.
Do NOT try to cover her yourself......." do its by my selp" is her favorite saying, and you would do well to heed it.

After her nap there is the usual, lunch, playtime, and movies.......she will not watch the movies.
Dora is only there to drive you insane with her singing backpack & map.
You cannot cut it off.......baby angels will die, and the world will erupt in chaos.
Just keep it on, and keep your head down.

The evening meal will occur much like the other meals of the day, but do not allow the other children to sit anywhere but their appointed seats.
Ayla cannot focus on her meal when you do this.....she  will continually remind you that Nae is in Aubreys seat until your eyes bulge from their sockets from the increase in blood pressure.

After dinner you must allow her to put her own dishes away and wash the table.
To forget this, is an insult of her intelligence and the " Ay-Ya is a big dirl's" will start and never stop.
I repeat, Never-ever-stop.......

Before bed, she will shower, on her own...... Without assistance.
Do not assume she cannot rinse her own hair.
Even when the bubbles are thick and shes hollerin " alls done!!"........just put on your poncho and grab her quickly.
She will drown you as you rinse her head, but thats your own fault for thinking she didnt do a good enough job on her own.

Bedtime is exactly like nap time.......cup, bink, indian flute music and Deigo. Let her cover herself and walk away quickly without making eye contact.

Then pour yourself equal parts coke & crown and have a seat.

You have just survived a single day with one of my youngest offspring.

I am leaving this list of things, you must do, in the event she is left in your care.

You know.......in case I decide to jump off a bridge when she drives me over the deep end.

He's definately from Mars.....Lord knows he dont breathe

My mama said my chatter boxing as a child, would come back to haunt me one day....
Who would have thought it would be my boy that out yapped every girl in the pack???

Went to get tball equipment yesterday at Kmart....
_________________________________________________________

Mama why's it called Kmart?

They should call it Jmart, then it would be my store.

Stores start with S .

S is before T but after R.

After I get done with tball I wanna go to dance class.

They let you jump in dance class mama.

Jummpin is fun!

Know what else is fun mama?

Eating ice cream.........

I like Ice cream.

You like ice cream dontcha mama?

But ya cant eat too much, it will make ya fat.

Bein fat aint healthy is it mama?

You need to lose weight, so you can be healthy.

You know it mama?

Oh excuse me.....I pooted.

I have been pootin all day, and cant make it stop!

How do you make yourself stop pootin mama?

Is pootin unhealthy?

I dont think it is, cause you feel better when you poot.

If you feel better after pootin then its healthy aint it?

You know what rhymes with better mama? Wetter

Wetter means that you are very wet.

If you are in the shower are you wet, or wetter?

Cause I am very wet when I get in the shower.

Why do they say you are just wet, when really you are wetter?

Mama why are you pullin at yout ears like that?

I dont think you're posed to pull em that hard.....

Hey mama do you hear me???

-------sure dont son, cause I just ripped my ears clean off my head.

Those ladies at the service desk were idiots for not letting me swap em for a pair of those headphones people wear on helicopters.

I had proof I needed em and everything !

A test I am proud to fail

The experts, (a.k.a the parental control asassins) will say that as a good parent............you must  follow a certain protocol, when raising children.
So you dont mar their sensitive little souls.

You must never raise your voice and/or shame them for their actions. This breaks their spirit.
Instead try to get to the base of their decision and be understanding.

You must begin to allow them a voice/choice in the decision of their life, from an early age.
This promotes independence and self esteem.

Award participation beause they gave it a shot, and that in it self deserves reward.

Dont tell them no.....instead offer alternate courses of action, to build decision making skills.

Your childs happiness should always come first....avoid the things that may cause them to cry, be sad, experience disappointment, or feel rejected.
If rainbows dont shoot out your butt, then you are obviously a bully.

The list goes on and on and on.....

These are the answers to the test, that only the Best parents pass.

--------- Calling All Bare Children -----------

This is OUR house. Anything within its walls belongs to us, and falls under our jurisdiction.
We bought it so it belongs to us, & we allow you the use of it because we are generous, BUT if you do not care for, or appreciate it......we will revoke our generosity. Indefinately.

If the occassion calls for it, we will raise our voice and tell you that your actions are shameful.
You will not ever be made to think that there is an occassion where bad actions are ok. Ever.

We will not consult you on things we feel dont concern you, instead we will inform you of what we have decided and how you are expected to help.

When you are a significantly contributing member of the family, we will teach you how to assist us in these decisions, so you can learn make them when you are grown. 
Until that day, we will function in a "I say-->You do" format.

Participation is expected, but may not always be rewarded. This is how life works my little grasshoppa'.
You will not get a dollar for cleaning your room.....you will do it because I have raised you not to live in filth and because I said so.

You will get praise when you do well, because it builds character......rewards will be saved for the exceptional things you do, because that will build a desire to excel.

There ARE going to be alot of times I tell you no, not because I dont love you, but because thats my job.
There are TONS of things that you shouldnt do, or arent ready for yet.......
The definition of NO is that discussions are over, you simply will not do it without facing a consequence.

Although your happiness is important to me.......it is NOT a priority.
You will experience sadness, disappointment, rejection, and unhappiness on occassion.
My love for you will try to soften these blows, but my responsibility for you will allow you to experience them because you must be prepared for life.

You are not just children, you will one day contribute positively to society.
We are not just parents.........we are the builders of your foundation.

You will be Responsible, Respectful, Powerful, &Wise.
You will carry in you the ability to be Just, Humble, Self Reliant and Successful.

We will be be firm in our raising of you, because these things are our greatest desires for you.............Because It is our job, and our greatest priviledge

I may fail their test.......but I will NOT fail you.

Why you never wake a sleeping Bare

My husband is a VERY heavy sleeper, and needs at least 20 mins to wake up .
***which severly grates on my 'jump out of bed and hit the road running' nerves***

Sometime I need to have a serious conversation immediately after waking him. *who has 20 mins?!*

Most of the time its ok. He wakes up, answers, and goes back to sleep.

BUT

There are occassions where he will fool you......He will appear to be awake and lucid, but is really asleep with his eyes open.
He will carry on about the most rediculious stuff, while grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

He's a sleep talker........
_____________________________________

He had some test ran a week ago and the Dr's office called with the results this morning, so I woke my sleeping husband.

He sat on the edge of the bed with the phone, and said "Hello? This is Josh".
This led me to believe he was awake.... so I continued on to the restroom.

As I'm sitting there I hear:
" Results? Yes.yes..MmmmHmmm".
..... nothing out of the ordinary, so I relax.

THEN I hear......
"Results are prayers....MmmmHmmm....yes Im praying".

WHAT? Oh-My-God..... hes still sleeping!!

I sprint thru the bathroom.
I have to get the phone before he starts talkin crazy !
My pants try to kill me, by wrapping around my ankles & I fall....

He continues.
" Yes, MmmHmm... testicles, got em right here...Iiiiii's gots em..yep"

--------Sweet BabyJesus!!! Shut up,Shut UP !!!

I finally get to him, and hes just sittin there...... cheesin while he chirps. *forehead slap*

I snatch the phone, apologize profusely and try to explain that he's not a creeper.....he's just sleep talking.
*sigh*
He totally sounded like a creeper.....
_____________________________________

He has a follow up visit in 2 weeks....

I dont care if the office is made out of chocolate cake & skittles....my fat butt is staying home.

I could see me now.....
" Im here with Josh and his testicles......yep he still has them......"

Not goin !!!

Answers that make the "whys" go away

Mama whos that?

I dont know honey

Then why did they wave at you?

I dont know dearrrrrrrrrrr

But they have to know you.....they waved !

Sigh.......They dont know me, they just have a palsy of the arm.....they werent waving, they were having a spasm.

_________________________________________________________

Why does daddys butt have hair on it when he bends over?

Cause he didnt mind his mama when he was little.
Everytime he misbehaved a hair grew on his butt

_________________________________________________________

Hey mama.....

Yep

Whatchu drinkin

Magic Mommy Nerve Relaxer
_________________________________________________________

Mama why cant I take my shirt off outside like daddy

Cause the sun will burn away all your boobie making magic. Thats why daddies dont have boobs.

_________________________________________________________

Why do I have to brush my teeth?

Cause a baby tooth fairy will die if you dont.

_________________________________________________________
Mama....

Yes ma'am :)

Why does grannie have no teeth?

Cause she didnt brush em, and all her tooth faries died

_________________________________________________________

Mama?

Yeah baby

Why does that dog have a hot dog on its belly

Cause its happy

What does it do?

It pokes folks in the eye, when they ask too many questions.

--------Accuracy is irrelevant when you are one "why" away from drowning yourself in the dish water.

Ignorance is bliss

I remember playing house as a kid....I would make my little house out of couch cushions, and get my sweet little powder smelling baby out, thinking " I cant wait to be a real mama.....this is so fun!"
I was rediculiously happy with my pretty little baby that closed its eyes everytime I laid it down, and my cushion house was always tidy.
My baby was well behaved and I never ever wanted to slam my head in a closet door repeatedly.

I had no idea that I was being duped !!

Little girls should be allowed the sweet, quiet, powder smelling baby for a 6 month period..........then it needs to get real up in little girl-ville.

They would then be given the real baby dolls:
These will snot, poop stuff that smells like gut rot, cry like a dying hyena for hours, & vomit soured milk on you.
Some girls will randomly be given ugly babies. Not all babies can be cute !!
Sometimes you get a baby that looks like Tommy Pickles with a lumpy head......its a lesson best learned early.

After 6 months they get a toddler doll:
It will scream like a banchee when you wash its hair,  follows you everywhere rubbing playdough on your couch cushion walls, and repeat the word "No" because it is the mantra that brings toddlers inner peace.
The girls would be judged by all other dolly mommies for letting their toddler doll watch too much TV and eat food that comes in a bag.
Because everyone knows you cant properly mother a dolly without tons of useless & unsolicited advice from every other kid with a toddler doll.....duh

6 months later they get the big kid doll:
It will suffer from "opposite syndrome" that effects everything from the food you feed em, to what time they go to bed.
They will have an uncontrollable desire to want the opposite of what you offered, because you are mean........and they dont like it.......and its not fair.
Even after a hundred "butt whiping 101" classes, the girls will find themselves asking their big kid doll: "Did u wipe your butt good?",  because the big kid doll will dig in their butt everytime you take them out in public.
TV commercials will activate the " I need" section of the big kid dolls brain, and the girl will slowly feel her soul draining out thru her wallet.

6 months later the tween doll will arrive:
It will idolize no talent drains on society like Justin Beiber and will want you to mortgage the house to buy concert tickets........and you will!
When u arrive at said concert, your tween doll will be a screaming ball of mass hysteria and you will actually pay $27 for a Justin Beiber glow stick........so you can stab yourself with it.
They develop an eye condition that makes their eyeballs spasm & roll everytime they hear your voice.
They will designer duct tape everything, and you better act like you are interested in every single duct tape purse/wallet/bow they make.
If they find out you just wanna take it apart, and tape their mouth shut,  you may never be able to stop the " you just dont get it" monologues .
They will speak in text form......."OMG", "gr-8", and "LOL" will be actual words that they use in coversation with other tween dolls.

In hindsight, its probably best that these dolls dont grace the shelves of every toy store.
We would have an entire generation of girls who wear their pajamas out in public and drink entirely too much kool-aid before bed.

Ignorance truly IS bliss.

My Treasures......My Daughters

Grass is common. You dont have to look hard to find it.....
Its stepped on, cut down, and despite its abundance......its barely noticed as people walk by.
Sometimes its uncared for and becomes wild.
Choked out by the weedy world around it.
Grass is fragile.....dependent on the balance of nature to keep it alive
It is easily replaced and regrown, without alot of time and effort.
It will bend to the will of any man, and the process needed to make it beautiful doesnt take great skill.

To possess grass......u simply throw out some seed and sit while it grows

GRASS IS NOT SPECIAL

_____________________________________

Diamonds are rare.
You cannot simply walk down the street & gather enough to fill your hand.
People admire their uniqueness and beauty.
They cannot be ignored.
They are strong & are not easily destroyed.
They do not bend to the will of man....instead they are used to drill into places others cannot go.

To make a diamond shine someone must have great skill.
They must know where it needs to be cut, and where it needs to be polished.
Its a painstaking process that takes a great amout of time & care.

To possess a diamond:
You must dig for it..........commit yourself to finding where its hidden.
You must be persistent in your excavation.......not easily detered by disappointment.
You must see its potential, even in its roughned state, & be willing to work to bring out the perfection it holds inside.

DIAMONDS ARE SPECIAL
_____________________________________

My most precious daughter,

Be the diamond.  You are unique and special. You are not common like the grass........you have a shine inside like no other.
Be strong, Do not bend to the will of man.
Drill your own path thru life without fear of breaking.

When choosing a mate....choose wisely.
Taking note of how one goes about finding their other half is important.

Do not be impressed by the one who will throw out some seeds and settle for what grows or by those who will watch you wither and die, as the seasons change.
Those who seek to only tend the grass cannot understand the dedication it takes to find and develop something as precious as you.

Seek one who patiently digs to find his mate. Who is willing to break thru all that is common, to find the extraordinary.

This mate is desirable because he is smart enough to knows his reward will be great and his work is not in vain.
He will be the one you can polish yourself against thru life.
He will make you better with his love & devotion.
He will appreciate you because he worked to get you, and has watched your beauty grow as you go thru life with him.

Be the diamond who is cherished and loved.
You are worthy of that status in this life because you are the daughter of the one true King.

The grass has its purpose, but you are meant for more than that.
You are meant to be treasured among the common things of this world.

You are the diamond, not the grass.

Couldn't make this up if I tried.......

The littles snuck my phone and while being evil geniuses, they managed to call an old number in my contact list.

When I found em, and heard the other person loudly asking " who is this!!!!!", I did what any decent human being would do..........I hung up and ignored the first 30 attempts they made at calling me back.

After the 47th time of them calling........I was aggitated.
*How dare they call back after someone called, didnt say anything, then hung up!!!........douches*

So I answered & immediately snitched the babies out.......

HERES WHERE IT GOT CREEPTASTIC.........

The man confessed to cursing the babies on the phone.
He actually said the words " I have a confession" = serial killer
Then he asked if I had a minute to chat = stalker
Then said I had a sexy voice = sexual predator
Then told me I could call him anytime I needed to "talk" = Dr. Phil wanna be

----at this point I was Really wishing I had deleted the contact, when the number changed----

Later that evening I thought " I totally need to delete that crazy Dr. Phil stalker guy" ..........but CALLED HIM instead of deleting the number!!!

*forehead slap*
*forehead slap*
*forehead slap*

I beat the phone to death trying to hang up before the call registered on his caller id------FAIL......ugh.

So sexual predator Phil calls me back. 
I quickly text to explain.........

Me: so sorry...trying to get your # out my contacts and accidently called. Again, so sorry.

Sexual Predator Phil: NP.....you wanna talk?

Me: no....just wanna delete your number

Sexual Predator Phil: thats cool...I bet ur hot <-----cant make this shit up folks!!

Me: is your name Buffalo Bill?

Sexual Predator Phil: no its Chad.....whats your name?

Me: Clarice Starling

Sexual Predator Phil: Clarice.....thats sexy

Me: .......Look.....I hate lotion, I have bad skin that would totally suck as a human suit, and youre starting to creep me out.

Sexual Predator Phil:  can u send me a pic?

Me: sure hold on......

I'm a genius !

Its anti-bully week at school.
The kiddos have to wear colors, each day, that have some type of anti-bullying sentiment behind it.
I agree bullying in school is a huge issue, and I am happy it is being addressed..........however, In true un-super mom fashion.......I teach my kids to punch bullies in the throat.
It just more time effective......
Anyhoo, I was scouring their closets for the needed colors and realize we are poor in the rainbow dept........THEN I had a genius idea !
I WOULD MAKE ANTI-BULLYING T-SHIRTS !!!!
Pinterest moms would be so proud........*tear*
Here are some of my ideas:
_________________________________________________________
Punch a bully in the eye........they'll be sure to run & cry.
Headlock headlock.....take em down. No more bullies in this town
Your mom raised a bully........My mom raised a NINJA!  Waaaacha!
Hey Mr. Bully ! Tell you dad he should have pull-ied !!
Bullies n: alternate term for dingleberries on male cows
Bully the meanie boy *toot toot*
Shoved people & took their toys *toot toot*
You may be a big 'un.....but my Mamas bigger........
So run little meanie boy * toot toot*
_________________________________________________________
So..........what do you think? It totally says " anti-bullies" right?!?! So flippin excited.......

When I grow up.....

I've been around my fair share of the elderly. Spent the first decade of my emploment, caring for them in one way or another.
They are absolutely my most favorite kind of people.

I used to spend hours talking to my patients, watching them and thinking about what kind of older person I would be.
It was then that I noticed there are 5 specific kinds of old ladies.

Graham Cracker Granny: Made with angel kisses and pure sugar, these ladies are the ideal grandmothers.
They own alot of doilies, and their vaccuum may have a cover that looks like a cow.
She will have rose shaped soap on the sink, that you arent allowed to touch. Instead you will wash your hands with soap that smells like the blood of a million leprechauns.
She will feel like a feather pillow when you hug her and she lives & breathes to make cookies for the spawn of her offspring. Lots & Lots of cookies.....

The Gray Hair Gazette: "You know I dont like to gossip, buuuuuut....." is ingrained in her DNA.
She has a talent for throwing out the warm & fuzzies to get ya talkin ........then everyone within in a 10 mile radius will know about your hemmrroids.
You cant be mad at her telling your business either!!
That would be a sin. *its in the bible somewhere*
According to rumor, she has a direct line to God (thru the 45 pastors in the family) and you dont wanna mess with that.

Geriatric Garage Sale Queen: only has a pulse in the spring & summer months......where she will emerge from her den to buy truckloads of old dishes & oil lamps for a quarter.
She does not have an empty corner, or closet, in her house.
If the world ,as we know it, ever ends.........you will be able to rebuild a small city with whats in her attic.

Free Spirit Fanny : has lived a million lives and knows about it all.
She has either done it, read about it, or has a second cousin thats doing it now.
Nothing shakes her.......she is at total peace, no matter the chaos that surrounds her.
She drinks quote filled coffee and has alot of windchimes BUT dont let her wise and collected demeanor fool ya....
Shes has a tattoo on her backside that says "Property of Elvis" and  more "man miles" than a 54 chevy.

The fifth was always my favorite, probably because it will be me one day..........

Spit Fire & Support Hose : is usually 'with it' mentally but has her crazy moments. Noone can figure out if its medical or if shes just a pain in the ass.
She hangs out with her roomie Ethel alot......because its fun to get ole Ethel going by telling her the staff are peeing in her orange juice. *Ethel is a little paranoid*
She is a wise old bird, that cant help but to tell the truth.
Even if it comes out like " you wore those shoes that make you look fat again"
She wont take any flak .........and may get an extra dose of Adivan at the home for snatchin folks up when they touch her jello.
When the moon is full, you may find her walkin down the hall naked cause the back of her knees are hot....or so she says.
It is very likely shes doing this because shes bored, and its entertaining to see the nurses try and figure out exactly where to grab a naked old lady.
Its not like you can grab her by the elbow.......her boobs reach down that far........

"They're grabbin my boobs again Ethel......Hide yers while you can !!"

Why I didnt join the Army

I have just enough self discipline not to kill people, but thats about it.
This character flaw leads to alot procrastination, especially when it comes to replacing stuff.
I would rather have my ovaries jerked out, thru my nose, than go to the store with 5 kids.

So I do weird stuff like: put water, in a bottle of dish liquid and shake myself into a seizure trying to get that laaaaaast little bit out to avoid a trip to the store to replace it. Which is insane.......

To stop the insanity, I have started to throw stuff away as soon as it needs replacing.
Was super proud of myself for tossing those ratted shoe laces, a couple weeks ago......til I put off replacing them.....and had to wear laceless shoes.

BUT I learned my lesson !!!!!! Swore right then & there, I would replace stuff in a timely fashion. No more lookin like a gangsta for me !!!

My can opener has been on the blink forever.
Its not really broken.......it just requires a specific combination of things in order to work.
1) You clamp down on the can,
2)  Lift can approx 3/4in off the counter,
3) Then turn the handle clockwise,
4) While holding your head at a 45` angle, and
5) Cry as your wrist tendons snap from the strain.

Trashed that bad boy 2 days ago ! Yeah baby !!!

Made spaghetti tonight. Boiled my noodles and made my bread. Went to add the sauce..........OMGaaaaaaaah...
I threw away the can opener 2 days ago. * hangs head*

Of course the midgets picked up on my panic imediately.
Household hunger levels spontaneously rose from Code Yellow, to Code Red Starvation Mode.
They all start screeching like cats.
Theres a storm coming
Im trying to find the gun so I can shoot my way into this can of pasta sauce. Failed
I grab a knife and the screeching cats scatter......this can will open or we will both die trying.
I flip it over to stab it........and there's a pull tab !!!

There IS a God !!!!!!!!!!!  Scouts honor I will never do that again.....I will replace things in a timely manner......no more breaking into cans like a hobo....

^^^^Does anyone else see a pattern forming here? ^^^^

I may need an intervention.....I almost murdered a can in front of my children.
I'm a tad bit shaken, so I will settle for a glass of wine.

Aint getting any trophies today

Ive been a bit off my game today.

Had to go to court & decided to try a new perfume that was given to me by a friend. Being the trusting person I am......I sprayed first and put a curse on my friend later.
I think it was called "Gray Hair and Kerosene"......cause I smelled like a gas sniffin Golden Girl.

I prayed it would tone down during the 30 minute drive to court and I thought it did ! Til I sat down and noticed folks were lookin at me like I had been smoking refer in the parking lot & was trying to cover it by grabbing the first senior I saw, and rubbing them all over myself.

It got better tho.....

Didnt notice my bra strap was showing the entire time I was in front of the judge, giving an update on our bonus babies.

Fly was down

Hubbys "bow chicka wow wow" ringtone went off, cause I didnt follow directions to silence all phones.

Sounded like I had a speech delay trying to pronounce rural

THEN I get home.......

Said shit on accident in front of the little parrots.

Stuck my finger in poop checking a diaper ^^^^ hence the verbal slippage

Accidently hit the shower thingy when the littles were in the bath....which turned them both into chicken little as the sky was falling.

Sat on the cat and got bit in the part of my butt that has slid into my thigh with age

And ran a load of laundry with no detergent..........but I totally fixed that one by forgetting to add detergent AGAIN when I rewashed em.

Then handed one of the middles regular shampoo instead of tear free......so they are now blind .....which somehow also made their legs not work.

If you must know........ALL of this is the husbands fault.
When I figure out why, I'm gonna be really mad at him.

Toddlers should come with a script for Xanax

I spend all my time in constant worry for my children.

That Lanae will succeed, because I see her working so hard.
That Bre wont get me thrown in jail with her little tales that sound so much worse than they are.
That Jay doesnt come into contact with something solid, like a wall, since he insists on running about the house like a loon.
But the majority of my worries originate with my toddlers.
My pretty little doe eyed girls make me wanna hug a xanax block and just lick it......lick it til my eyes roll back in my head.

This is how my brain works:

No one should have this much snot.....I bet her sinuses are deformed.......Or shes allergic to the world......

That toenail looks funny......Its a fungus....I just know it. We should dip her in bleach to keep it from spreading.

She is the falling-est kid !! Shes either drunk or needs a helmet. Honey !! Smell her breath and tell me if it smells like germex.

She keeps dropping that ball......wonder if her hand eye coordination is screwed up? Maybe she cant feel her arms......she fell yesterday and now she cant feel her arms!!!  My poor numb arm baby !!

Her teeth are coming in funny...........its making my wallet hurt already. All her school pics are gonna be so ganked up.....i need to teach her how to smile with her eyes....

Im pretty sure licking windows isnt normal......I should probably get that checked.....

But grossest of them all, is also the most worrisome.....POOP. Its all Dr OZ's fault too !

When did she eat sand??? Honey !! You been letting em eat dirt again?!?! It isnt supposed to have grains in it !

What kinda color is that?!?!? Thats blue......what can make poop blue?!?!.....i was cleaning windows earlier...
* *and i dont care who you are....you WILL smell it to make sure it it doesnt smell like windex**

Wait.....she hasnt pooped in 1-2-3......days. OMG she has a blockage.....her intestines gotta be twisted......shes swallowed a hotwheels or something, and its blocking her butt.

Oh. MY. GAWD!!!!  That smell * gag* isnt human *gag*. Shes got parvo.......yep its definately parvo......honey !!!
The baby has parvo !!

In summary I have drunk little numb armed window lickers that need head gear, and their poop will lead to my mental demise.

7 wonders of the kid free weekend

I went thru the house yesterday evening and marveled at the beauty in the 7 wonders of a kid free weekend.

To this mom these things were like seeing the Sistine Chapel and the Northern Lights, at the same time, while getting a massage by a monk who softly chanted calming mantras as he worked.

If you are a mom, you may believe these wonders are just rumor......tales that are told to mommies to help them go to sleep, but I am here to tell you they are REAL !!
I have seen these wonders with my own eyes.......it was life changing.
_________________________________________________________

The First of these wonders was: The floors.....they stayed clean ! I didnt have to sweep or vaccuum once.
I didnt lay eyes on a bottle of stain remover or a mop one.....the joy of it left me speechless.

Second: Noticing that after 32 hours there were only 10 dishes in the sink AND none of them had the dreaded dried oatmeal caked to the side, or an impossible to clean sippy spout contraption.
I washed dishes without the use of a scrubber OR a CSI kit! Can you imagine?!?!?!?! It was heaven.

Third: Was a toy free living room....I walked thru without the hindrance of sharp little toys stabbing my feet & I sat on the couch without fear of having to dislodge a talking doll, from my backside
Miraculous........just miraculous.

Fourth: The top to my kitchen table.....I could see it!
ALL of it, and there arent words to describe its beauty.
You would just have to see it to believe it......

Fifth: Hot food...... My motherly palate had forgotten the wonders of of taking a bite of food, and the warm flavor bursting over your tastebuds.
I wont lie......I cried a little.

Sixth: The sun rose before my eyelids did. The beauty of this was shocking at first. I laid stunned at the sight for several long minutes rejoicing at the peace it brought.
If you've never experienced it.......I would recomend putting it on your bucket list.

Seventh: There were adults on my TV.....living breathing humans that were past puberty, on my TV, for hours on end!!!
None of them had a map, a talking backpack, or required a arm shoved up their backside to talk.
I just sat and stared because words failed me..........

My experience with these 7 wonders of a kid free weekend were great, but there were equally as many wonders I missed dearly......

Perfect little hands to hold my finger, little arms to squeeze me tight, child like laughter, baby kisses, little thundering feet, endless "I love you's" and hearing precious voices call me mama.

Those wonders cannot be replicated or replaced.......so this mama is gonna go get my Greatest Wonders.
MY BABIES !!

Kid free weekend !!!!!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^  you hear that??

..........yeah me either !!!

Its because they love me.........

My husband and I work hard to raise humble, respectful and responsible children.
Its important to us that they grow into people that are a blessing to society.

People always say they are well behaved when they watch them, and they are little angels when I have to leave them at home with daddy.
He says they behave well and are respectful. They help sweep, clean their rooms, and fold laundry.
They move up the color chart with good behavior and have a pretty productive day overall......
Most would say that our family runs like a well oiled machine, BUT they become WAY more productive when I walk thru the door.......

Booger production increases by 65%
Snitching quality doubles
There is a significant increase in "I dont wanna's"
Bowel functons improve greatly
Hunger & thirst are at an all time high
And corner usage quadrouples !

Yay for mommy !............BIG high five to the face !!

And they say mothers shouldnt drink.....pffft

My Oldest is chatting about getting her nails painted a blazing shade of orange, and as I go into a thought provoking explaination about tasteful vs tacky, she says:

" Then I'm gonna have an anchor design put on this finger, cause we have a thing in school where we make an anchor sign and write ' I refuse to sink' around it......"

Me:  Ummkay.....well honey.....I think,   *and I might be  wrong.......cause being a mother clearly means my brain doesnt work right*  , that the anchors job is to SINK.
They sink as far as a sinker can sink......like to the very bottom.......of the ocean.
It just simply doesnt make sense to draw an anchor, and write " I refuse to sink"

Her: yeah it does, you just dont get it......

-------*side eye* 10 bucks says she's wrote this all over the place AND put her first & last name on it, so everyone knows MY kid thinks anchors refuse to sink.

_________________________________________________________

I also got a warning, from the bus driver , on one of my Middles today.
Evidently he has been acting a donkey on the school bus. 
I was lecturing about how the bus drivers job, is to get my Most Precious gifts home safely......
And how kids ,acting like they missed their sunshine meds, can cause him to wreck and hurt everyone inside.

I simply asked: " What do you think happens to people, when they know they caused others to get hurt?"

******expecting " they feel bad about it"*******

This is what I got: You go to jail, til you die, BUT dont drop the soap!! .......I think its because its hard to pick back up, and then you cant get your bodies clean cause the soap will be dirty from the floor.

------What the What?!?!?! My brain shut down after "Dont drop the soap".......
Where the sam hill did that come from?!?! Sweet Baby Jesus!!

Me: *ahem*  yes.....exactly........cause dirty soap cant make bodies clean......

Didnt even attempt to finish that conversation. *sigh*

He's just gonna hafta act funky.....go to jail.....and not drop the soap if he wants to stay clean in the slammer.

There is nothing in the Mothers Recovery Manual that instructs you on how to come back from " dont drop the soap".  Nothing.......

......they dont pay me enough for this mess.

So thats what it feels like to have a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!

Ive done the ' terrible twos' a few times at this point........but this round has about whipped me.

I dont know if its because there are 2 of them, or if they are especially frazzling.........but I'm starting to think I'm gonna have a drinking habit by the time this is over.

Lil: mama

Me: yes ma'am?

Lil: ummmmmmm.........

Ayla: *runs thru the house for the 6413 time*

Me: stop running !!!

Lil: mama

Me: yeah.... I said stop running !! Imma strangle.....Lord !!

Lil: ummmmm.......

Me: what is it???

Lil: mama

Me: O_o!!! Yessssssssss

Lil: ummmmmm

Me: * raaaawrblahblahrrrrrrrrrw*........sigh....Lil please dont say mama unless you want something.

Ayla: *quiet*

Me: crap !!! Ayla where are you?!?

Lil: mama???

Me: what Lil? I'm lookin for Ayla....AYLA!!!

Lil: mama.....

Me: Thats a toilet brush!!! Dont brush your........Oh Gawd..

Lil: mama.....

Me:

             ^^^^^^^^ See that blank space?

Thats my mind.....my brain used to fill this space with thought & reasoning, but has decided to move to a more favorable location with better neighbors and lower crime rates.

Pintrest = Love

I know it seems like I'm anti-pintrest......but I'm not.
I think some of their ideas are absotootly clever!!
Hanging stopped clocks, to showcase your childs exact time of birth!.......
Heeeello......Thats a Super cute -too much information- idea! And there are millions of equally stupendous ideas....... just like that.

However......In the past I have had a run in, or two, with some hardcore pinterest moms.
You know who they are...
Knitting jackets outta lint they found in the dryer.......

Hackin the bottom off of grannies curtains, so they can sew them to the ankles of their childs pants.......

Painting their family initials ,on the garbage can in scripted font.....

And of course there are those who cannot make a fruit salad, without it eventually turning into a swan.

Those ladies give me a twitch in the left eye......... because the things they are doing, make me feel like my kids are gonna grow up without the love only Pintrest can bring.
Who can grow properly without those little ghost made out of banana halves??......

******BREAKING NEWS: BANANA FACTORY HAS BEEN ROBBED!******

"Why did you rob that banana factory Calvin????"

"Cause my mama didnt love me"

" whys that??"

"She ruined my 3rd grade halloween party at school......she only brought candy!!
Little Bobby's mama loved him tho....she made ghost out of bananas.
All the kids pointed and laughed at my candy.
They called me Candy Corn Calvin my whole life after that"

----Po lil Tink Tink.....all he wanted was some Pintrest love...

Do you see this gaggle of hooligans??

They crack me up

Proof my children are high

This girl is stoned out of her gord.......but sounds exactly like my kids on a normal drive to the store.
Checkin rooms for their stash as we speak........been saying they were high for years.
This proves it !!!

"Theres an elephant on my tounge !.......oh Hiiii"

"Know what??? Giraffes are my favorite animals.......and know what????  I need a new pair of shoes"
........yep thats them to a tee.

Bre & Jay ! If you can read this.....

YOU R BUSTED BUCKOS !!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPutYIUztXw&feature=youtube_gdata_player